A Pre-Writing Purge Clears Your Writing Runway
If you've got tons of stuff swirling in your head (or heart), making the writing process tricky, try a pre-writing purge. You just might find some gold in the effort.
I’ve officially started writing my memoir, but my head’s been spinning, and not just because I’m on Day 12 of a breakthrough COVID infection. I’m feeling physically AND emotionally dizzy with a jumbled mix of hope, uncertainty, optimism, worry, and dread, feelings I’ve been managing long before COVID ever entered the picture.
And so, rather than beat the crap out of myself for not being clear and focused and “on pointe” with my writing, I’ll warm up this morning with a pre-writing purge, just to clear out the cobwebs and limber up these fingers (and my mind). Nothing frustrates me more than feeling stuck, and the best way I know to get the flow going is to see words appear on my screen — even if they suck. So here’s my free-flowing, pre-writing purge…
Growing up with an abusive, alcoholic parent, I felt sure of very few things, and if you know anything about ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score — mine’s a 9 out of 10 — you’re aware of the lifelong impact childhood trauma can leave.
That said, I’m deeply interested in understanding how positive influences and experiences can counteract the lasting impact of abuse — and even help turn lives around. I’ve been luckier than many others in the positive column, which only reinforces my belief that despite even the worst circumstances, hope is always there.
For anyone who’s lived through trauma and/or significant struggle, it’s likely you experience and process other traumatic events (for instance, a pandemic) much differently than those whose lives have been relatively free of such anguish. For instance, when COVID initially hit and the world felt so terrifyingly uncertain and scary, one of the first things I felt an urge to do was train to be a Contact Tracer, hoping to connect directly with those who were so clearly hurting. But, why was I so pulled toward others who struggle? What was that gravitation all about?
My guess is, the answer’s complicated.
Since I’m deeply familiar with pain and grief, I think I naturally relate to those who’ve also experienced (or are in the midst of their own) struggles. Their circumstances may be different than mine, but the feelings are often similar, including loneliness, isolation, helplessness, shame, confusion, and fear. Still, I think there’s something even deeper and far more personal going on.
I’ve come to understand that I also navigate my life in ways that directly challenge my feelings of vulnerability, and I believe this is my way of counteracting all the moments I lost while feeling paralyzed by fear.
For instance, when I see someone who’s fallen down on the sidewalk, I literally (and without thinking) run toward them. When I sense danger around me, I head toward it, seeking solutions, rather than fleeing toward *apparent* safety. When I have flashbacks of traumatic moments from my past, rather than burying them, I step toward them, face them, and write the hell out my memories, my feelings, and the lessons I’ve learned.
I wasn’t always this way, though. For decades, I buried my trauma. I hid it, felt ashamed by it, and let it fester inside. I had no skills to deal with all that had happened to me. I had no way of processing my experiences, my pain, or my feelings. Instead, I simply reacted and responded to the world around me, allowing people and external forces to dictate how I walked in this world. I deferred to others and barely trusted my own instincts. I saw myself as an incapable creature, fortunate to have others around who understood and navigated the world far better than I ever could.
And then, I broke.
After a lifetime of living without an anchor or sense of self, I could no longer maintain my façade of the Put-together Pleaser, but when I started using my voice, I didn’t have a clue how to do it right. To make matters worse, once I began speaking up for myself, the existing systems in my life — including friendships, family, and even professional relationships — were unprepared for the stronger, more vocal me to emerge. I was now seen as a disrupter, forcing others to re-examine our well-worn patterns. During that adjustment period, I faced significant backlash from many, and our interactions could sometimes be challenging, to say the least. I often wondered if it might just be easier to slide back into my old, familiar, compliant ways.
Nevertheless, I found a therapist who specializes in trauma, and she helped me to process — and better understand — the impact of my past. Our work has been exhausting, expensive, and completely worth it.
As a direct result of reclaiming my voice, I now have stronger relationships with the healthy people in my life, and stronger boundaries with those whose intentions and actions either harm or do not serve me.
As a direct result of reclaiming my voice, I didn’t give up the writing career that I (and some others) had previously questioned.
As a direct result of reclaiming my voice, I now make my living as a writing coach and mentor, encouraging others every day to reclaim and celebrate their own voices.
Life is hardly perfect, but on the days I struggle or doubt myself — or even come face-to-face with the unexpected, I’m far better resourced and far more capable of looking inside for solutions, rather than waiting for someone to tell me what to do. I trust myself more than ever, and I’m finding so much joy navigating this completely unpredictable journey we call life.
And now, what I need to do is navigate the 5 damn pages I promised myself I’d write for my memoir. If you’ll please excuse me, I have some important work to do…
Christine
P.S. What’s your relationship with your own voice? Has it always been steady? Why or why not? Have you ever felt a need or desire to reclaim it? If so, how did you do that?
Christine Wolf is an author, memoir coach & owner of Writers’ Haven LLC, a cooperative writing space for women writers in Evanston, Illinois. An award-winning essayist, blogger and former weekly opinion columnist, Wolf’s writing has appeared on Patch.com, HuffPost Live, and CNN. She’s been published by the Pioneer Press, ChicagoNow, The Chicago Tribune, Runners World, and many others. Her first book, a political biography, comes out in 2022. www.christinewolf.com/writers-haven-evanston