I'm Glad I Called Out Someone's Biased Language On Twitter. Here's How I Did it, And Here's Why It Worked.
I've encountered this guy on Twitter before when he seemed tone deaf to his biased language. Though I've written ABOUT him, I never directly called him out — until now. It was worth it!
1. Original Tweet
Here’s the original Tweet from a guy on Twitter. As soon as I read it, I couldn’t help but focus on two words: slaves and liberating:
To be honest, I initially wanted to respond to him by saying, “Are you KIDDING ME? You’re using ‘slave’ and ‘liberating’ in the same Tweet? Do you TRULY know what it feels like to be a slave? Is there NO OTHER WORD you can use to explain your struggle besides ‘slave’? Do you realize how you come off? Can you see how these words might cause harm? Can you understand how your message might get lost on those who take offense to your choice of words?” But I didn’t. I wanted to engage — not enrage this guy…and I suspected he had absolutely no idea how his words came off.
2. My Response:
After I took some deep breaths, I considered my objective, which was to engage him and help him see how his language is biased. Accusing him wouldn’t get me anywhere. Shaming him would likely shut him down. Instead, I kept the focus on my view of things, and pointed out what he might lose as a result of his biased language. Here’s what I wrote:
3. His reply to me
As expected, I received a non-apology and what some might see as doubling down on the original message. No surprise, especially since no one likes getting called out on something…let alone in public. This is what he wrote:
He might as well have written, “I’m sorry you interpreted my words incorrectly” or “I’m sorry you couldn’t see what I was trying to say” or “I’m sorry you misunderstood my message…” The response didn’t both me. Instead, I just smiled and said to myself, “Yep. He’s trying to justify instead of doing the work to really hear me.”
4. My response
This was a critical moment. Repeating myself (or worse, berating him) would surely do no good and likely end (or inflame) the exchange. I could tell that he felt exposed, and thus defended his original Tweet.
At this point, it was up to me to throw him a lifeline — or not. And so, I tried to toss him one from two different angles, holding out hope that he’d grab one.
First, I validated him by demonstrating I’d read what he wrote — to the point I even used his own words. Then, I offered some alternative language.
Here’s what I wrote:
5. His response to me:
This response was key. It told me that he’d neither put much thought into what he’d written nor given much consideration to how others might receive it. This was our breakthrough moment — not really for me, but for him.
At this point, it would have been easy for me to write something like, “Next time, be more thoughtful, Dude,” but again, what purpose would that serve, except to shame him? Instead, I got very quiet, and created some space for him to think.
And I think this step is critical.
Too often, we jump to an “I told you so!” response, when what really helps is offering someone a chance to process and (hopefully) see things anew. And, judging from his next reply, that’s exactly what happened.
6. Final response to me
After I got his last response, I smiled. There really wasn’t anything more I could add except a request to pass on the learning, which I did.
I'm Glad I Called Out Someone's Biased Language On Twitter
I almost didn’t say anything to this guy. He’s demonstrated biased language in the recent past, and my blood sometimes boils when I see the insensitivity in his writing.
Still, I couldn’t let this one go.
And what I learned from this exchange is how to peacefully call someone out on their biased language.
How To Call Someone Out On Their Biased Language:
Say something
• Aiming comments toward YOUR own concerns, rather than attacking the individual, not only helps to keep the dialogue open but also helps them see how their language might impact others.
Expect defensiveness
• Keep in mind how you feel when someone points out something you’re doing that’s not ideal. There’s a natural tendency to double down, defend, and/or deflect. When this happens, nod inside and remind yourself that this is part of the process.
Offer a lifeline
• Now that you’ve got them on the hook, extend some humanity. Think of this process as a sort of “catch and release”. Once you’ve called them out on some bad behavior, offer them a chance to reconsider their actions and make a different choice. Catch their biased language, then release them from their uninformed position.
Get Very Quiet
• Once you’ve delivered your message and offered a lifeline, it’s up to the other individual to accept them…or not. By getting quiet, we allow space for them to process our message and to consider alternative ways to use language. It might take some people longer than others to do both. By stepping back and giving them a chance to think things through and respond, we demonstrate generosity of spirit and a sense of collaboration (rather than clobbering them over the head wth our judgment and ideas).
Urge them to pay it forward
It’s worth taking a chance and calling someone out. I get it: these courageous conversations aren’t easy. And, they’re absolutely necessary.
Have you ever called someone out on their biased language? Have you ever been called out yourself? How did it go? What lessons (if any) were learned?
Excellent! It takes guts to do this and too often I just walk away from social media b/c I don't want to get into it with someone. So I appreciate the lesson on how to do it well!