23andme Changed My Life In a Digital Instant
Last week I learned I have a half-sister I never knew existed. How do I even begin to process this unexpected news? For now, all I can say is, thank God for writing.
For the past two weeks, I’ve been trying to process the unbelievable news.
At 53 years old, I’ve just learned that I have a half-sister who is 18 months older than me. We plan to meet for the first time next month.
With the rise in popularity of DNA kits like 23andme, discoveries like mine are happening everywhere. And while news like this is hardly unusual, it’s created a seismic, nearly indescribable shift in my life.
Imagine seeing a name you’ve never heard of before, accompanied by this graphic:
When I first saw this note on the Family Tree page of my 23andme online profile, I stared at my laptop, convinced it was a typo, a misunderstanding, and an obvious error.
• My whole life, I’ve been the oldest of three girls, with 1 biological sister and 1 half sister (see family tree below).
• My whole life, I’ve known who the people in my family were: my mother and father; my aunts and uncles; my cousins, grandparents, and extended relatives.
• My whole life, I’ve known who I was and how I fit into our family.
That is, until now.
Until last week, this is how I saw my immediate family — and believe me, it felt complicated enough:
But now, it seems, there’s a whole new way to look at everyone:
Until last week, I’d been through (what some might reasonably describe as) more than my fair share of seismic life events — circumstances in which the words BEFORE and AFTER were easily used:
• Parents who married, then later divorced
• A childhood interrupted by sexual assault
• A father who died of cancer
• A typical business trip that turned into a fatal Amtrak crash
• A marriage that came to an end
• A personal sense of security (and self) reconfigured following a period of severe depression
• A sibling who died suddenly
• A body that failed without warning and required lifesaving intervention
All this is to say, I’ve hardly been a stranger to life’s neverending curveballs or blind spots.
But this? What do I do with this — except embrace it and stay curious?
I find myself wondering about a million little questions:
• Are there even more siblings I’m unaware of?
• How will our first meeting go?
• Am I technically still the “oldest”?
• Will we form an immediate bond, or hold each other at a distance?
• How do I prepare for our first meeting?
• What kinds of things will she want to know?
• Is there anything I should hold back on telling her?
• Is she nervous to meet me?
• Did she ever know about or wonder about this “other side” of the family?
• How do people navigate these dynamics?
It’s remarkable how quickly the digital world allowed me to connect with my “new” sister. It’s also hard to wrap my mind around how many people I keep hearing about whose families are experiencing similar discoveries.
Within just a few days of learning the news, I connected with my “new” family member online. And, though she seemed as shocked as me, she expressed a willingness to meet in person next month. I can’t imagine this is the case for everyone. I can’t imagine both parties are always willing to step forward and connect. I can’t imagine the conversations are ever linear or easy.
There’s so much more to share about this, but for now, I’m still coming to terms with it all. So many more emotions I can’t yet put into words. It’s hard for me to even comprehend that I sent my saliva in a test tube to 23andme back in 2017, and that I’m only just now bothering to explore the data. Nearly five years of sitting on this discovery. I mean…what???
The fact is, while this may feel like “news” to me, it’s been a reality for decades. The fact, is, we’ve just been living in parallel universes, looking at our family trees and thinking they were accurate and complete.
For now, I think about my “new” sibling constantly, walking in wonder as I navigate this brief, “in between” time — the short-lived phase that falls AFTER we’ve learned of each other but BEFORE we meet in person.
And, though this initial discovery of my “new” sister has turned my life a bit upside down, I’m hopeful it will ultimately bring joy, love, and peace into both our lives and beyond.
Are you also hearing more and more stories of situations like this, in which individuals discover relatives they never knew they had? What would you do if your family tree revealed an unexpected branch?
I can only imagine the shock of shifting realities. I hope the first meeting is met with an ease for you and her. I'm not sure what I'd do if I found I had another sister. I'm the middle child and a shift in that role would be.... well I'm not really sure....
Seismic indeed!!
I’ve never been interested in doing 23&me probably bc I like my story, my family story. I’m not interested in it being more complicated.
Maybe in some deep psychic way you waited 5 years to prepare yourself for this possibility.
Perhaps one of the biggest challenges in all this is the questions it brings up about your father, how is shifts and compounds - or affirms - your thoughts about him.