Second Chance Series: 7/5
Day 7: Looking More Forward Than Backward
Welcome to The Second Chances Series, my 23-day writing experiment capturing the joy, mess, beauty, and meaning of my midlife wedding.
I recently got remarried at 57…
…to a widower….
…on a dangerously hot Midwestern summer day…
…surrounded by our seven grown kids and more second-chance energy than I could’ve imagined.
Every day from June 29 to July 21, I’ll post one unfiltered reflection based on moments and photos from our wedding day. I’m doing this to capture all the memories while they’re still fresh in my mind, and to reflect on all that I’m learning about love, grief, joy, and reinvention. And, you’re invited, as always, to share your own reflections on the day’s theme.
This series will also provide a behind-the-scenes look at how I think about and draft material for my upcoming book, co-edited with my husband, Eric, called We Began Again: Collected Essays on Second Chances.
Some portions of these wedding reflection posts will be free. Most will live behind the paywall to support this work. Thank you for being here.
SCHEDULE OF POSTS
6/29: We’ll Always Have To Start Somewhere
6/30: Beginning Again After Loss
7/1: Starting Over After Heartache
7/2: Fear of Reinjury
7/3: Courage to Start Anew
7/4: When Others’ Renewal Timelines Are Unlike Our Own
7/5: Looking More Forward Than Backward
7/6: The Importance of Acknowledging Loss
7/7: The Surprises of Starting Over
7/8: The Beauty of Beginning Again
7/9: Losing Black & White Thinking While Starting Over
7/10: The Magic of Embracing Stillness When Making a Comeback
7/11: Permission to Be Imperfect When Starting Anew
7/12: How a Community Grows When We Begin Again
7/13: Shock, Surprise, and the Hidden Impact of Starting Over
7/14: Hanging On When All Is Shattered, When All Your Hope Is Gone
7/15: Dealing With Disarray and Disharmony When Starting Over
7/16: Discomfort When Others Aren’t Ready to Begin Again
7/17: Allowing for New Dreams to Come True
7/18: Welcoming Unexpected Joy
7/19: Redefining Success the Second Time Around
7/20: Forgiving Yourself for the First Try
7/21: Final Reflection: Why We Begin Again
Day 7, July 5
Looking More Forward Than Backward
Today’s Reflection
It’s a natural thing to compare the “new” you to the “old” you.
Without even realizing it, we’re measuring progress, analyzing our past, and building a deeper understanding of our patterns and ways of navigating life.
I’ve been doing it a lot, lately, and at first, it felt startling. Why, when I’m starting my new, married life, have I been thinking so much of the marriage I used to have?
Once I let go of judging myself for doing this, I got to the heart of things.
I’m happier now, and I’m marveling at how unfulfilled I used to be.
I’m steadier now, and I’m celebrating all the hard work I’ve done to move forward after loss.
I’m more grounded now, and I’m realizing that I used to operate from a place of reactivity and even fear.
I’m more hopeful now, and I’m clearer about my future.
We have to be ready to take stock, though. I’ve learned that you can’t rush the process of reflecting on our past.
For instance, in the aftermath of my sister’s sudden death in 2018, I knew rationally that she was no longer alive, but no matter how hard I tried to accept this, I couldn’t process this as my new reality. I felt like I was on a set of train tracks, moving forward on autopilot, riding along a parallel set of tracks that held my former life. I ached to be on the tracks of my “old” existence, tracks that I’d been riding with Beth, but I couldn’t.
Logically, I knew I had to accept the fact that she was gone, but in practice, it felt impossible. Everything reminded me of her. Every photo, every memory, every mention of her name felt raw, like an assault. I’d try to stop imagining growing old with her, but it felt like my brain wasn’t working right. We were supposed to become old ladies together, taking trips and talking about our husbands and our kids and grandkids. In my heart, she wasn’t supposed to be gone. Living without her had never crossed my mind.
A 2019 neuroimaging study by O'Connor, Salinas, and colleagues, published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, found that people experiencing complicated grief showed increased activity in the nucleus accumbens, a region associated with reward and longing. This is the part of the brain typically activated in romantic attachment and habitual behavior—indicating the brain continues to expect the deceased person's return, even when the conscious mind knows they’re gone.
This neurological “default pattern” makes it difficult to imagine a new future. The brain is still tethered to the past, replaying memories and reinforcing the emotional bond as a kind of survival response. Over time, with new experiences and conscious emotional work (like therapy, mindfulness, or expressive writing—something that I teach), neuroplasticity allows us to gradually form new associations, but it takes time, repetition, and intentionality.
Neuroscience shows that grief can literally feel like a craving. My brain kept rewarding me with longing every time I remembered the life I lost, and moving forward didn’t come naturally. It took naming my feelings, doing the hard work in therapy, and building new habits—gradually training my brain to reward the present, not just the past. I can only imagine that Eric and so many who’ve been widowed experience this feeling, too.
Over time, I came to understand that healing wasn’t about forgetting or even 'moving on.' It was about allowing my brain—and my heart—to recognize that new joy could exist alongside old pain. Naming the loss helped loosen its grip. Giving myself permission to feel something new—that was how I began again.
Your Turn
If you’ve ever experienced loss, have you also experienced that feeling where your brain “glitches” and you can’t accept that your loved one is gone? How did that feel for you? What helped you to keep moving forward? How did you eventually learn to begin again?
What I Learned About Second Chances
Rather than thinking in terms of the “old” me and the “new” me, I prefer to honor my “evolved” me, and to hold space for all that I’ve experienced. A second chance is a continuation, not a replacement—a way of carrying forward the lessons, heartbreak, and resilience of who I’ve been, while allowing space to grow into who I’m becoming. It’s not about erasing the past. It’s about integrating it with compassion.
How These Reflections Might Fit in Our Forthcoming Book
I often think about sitting down and recording a conversation with Eric and me about our perspectives on starting over. Obviously, we each did it after our first marriages ended…but I look forward to hearing the words he uses to describe how he made room for joy after loss. And, I can’t wait to see if others who submit their personal essays tough upon this notion of “brain glitches” when life takes a drastic turn.
Christine Wolf is a memoir coach, developmental editor, and author of Politics, Partnerships, & Power. She teaches workshops in Expressive Writing for Emotional Healing at Northwestern University and is the founder and principal of Writers’ Haven Evanston, a workspace for writers near Chicago. christinewolf.com
Eric Ronne is the founder and principal of Lumen Design (no, not “that” LUMON), specializing in web3 branding, web design, event design, custom illustration, and more.
They met on a dating site.
Call for Submissions
We’re collecting 750-word essays for We Began Again: Collected Essays on Second Chances through 11:59pm Central time on July 21, 2025.
We Began Again:
Collected Essays on Second Chances
Edited by Christine Wolf & Eric Ronne
We’re thrilled to officially announce our very first collaborative book project as co-editors (and newlyweds)!
This collection will feature personal essays from writers around the world—true stories of transformation, resilience, and hope when life took an unexpected turn — by writers who chose to begin again.
As a real-life second-chance couple, we’re so excited to begin our new chapter as wife and husband (see what I did there?). We invite you to share in our joy by sharing your story (or stories!) of reinvention.
Submission Window
Opens: June 21, 2025 at 9:00am CST (our wedding day!)
Closes: July 21, 2025 at 11:59pm CST
✍️ What We’re Looking For
We’re accepting personal essays (up to 750 words) on how a second chance impacted your life. A few examples:
A second chance at love after heartbreak or loss
A career pivot or unexpected professional reinvention
Starting over in a new place—a town, a country, or even just a new mindset
Returning to sobriety, or beginning a journey of recovery
Rebuilding trust with a friend, partner, or family member
Reinventing yourself after failure, burnout, illness, grief, or regret
Or any other moment where life gave you another shot, and you took it
If you’ve ever had to rebuild, reimagine, or begin again, we want to hear your story.
3 Top Tips for Success
Jump right into the action.
Don’t give us a ton of backstory. Instead, consider starting with the problem you faced and what the stakes were.
Embrace vulnerability.
Make sure readers understand what your struggle was. Let us sit with the discomfort of the unknown before telling us how you “solved” or “fixed” things. Bring us into your feelings of shock, indecision, pain, loss, or overwhelm.Tell us more than just what happened: Go deep and describe how the events made you FEEL.
Submission Fee: $10 per essay (but FREE to paid subscribers of this newsletter)
FAQs
1. Will contributors be paid?
Not financially, but here’s what you will receive:
A digital copy of the finished book
A chance to have your writing featured and promoted in a one-of-a-kind collection launched during a real-life love story
Interviews with us once the book’s published
Our deepest gratitude for helping us build something meaningful, lasting, and real
2. Can I submit more than one essay?
Yes!
3. Can I submit previously published work?
Yes, as long as you have the rights to the content.
4. Will I retain the rights to the work I submit?
Yes!
5. Can I publish under a pen name?
Yes!
6. Are you looking for uplifting stories? Vulnerable stories? Unresolved stories?
Yes. Yes. And yes.
7. How do I submit?
Paid subscribers, click here to submit your essay(s) FREE!
Use Discount Code SECONDCHANCE
Questions?
Drop your questions in the comments. We’re happy to clarify anything.
Know Someone With A Good Second Chance Story?
Please share this post with them and encourage them to submit an essay!
We can’t wait to read your second chance stories—big or small, joyful or complicated, typical or miraculous. They all matter.
With love and excitement,
Christine & Eric
My older sister (my only sister) died suddenly in 2018. Our brother (our only brother) died suddenly in 1993. I miss them both so much. I have a running conversation with them both—mostly in my head, of course. 😉