Second Chance Series: 7/9
Day 11: Losing Black & White Thinking While Starting Over
Welcome to The Second Chances Series, my 23-day writing experiment capturing the joy, mess, beauty, and meaning of my midlife wedding.
I recently got remarried at 57…
…to a widower….
…on a dangerously hot Midwestern summer day…
…surrounded by our seven grown kids and more second-chance energy than I could’ve imagined.
Every day from June 29 to July 21, I’ll post one unfiltered reflection based on moments and photos from our wedding day. I’m doing this to capture all the memories while they’re still fresh in my mind, and to reflect on all that I’m learning about love, grief, joy, and reinvention. And, you’re invited, as always, to share your own reflections on the day’s theme.
This series will also provide a behind-the-scenes look at how I think about and draft material for my upcoming book, co-edited with my husband, Eric, called We Began Again: Collected Essays on Second Chances.
Some portions of these wedding reflection posts will be free. Most will live behind the paywall to support this work. Thank you for being here.
SCHEDULE OF POSTS
6/29: We’ll Always Have To Start Somewhere
6/30: Beginning Again After Loss
7/1: Starting Over After Heartache
7/2: Fear of Reinjury
7/3: Courage to Start Anew
7/4: When Others’ Renewal Timelines Are Unlike Our Own
7/5: Looking More Forward Than Backward
7/6: The Importance of Acknowledging Loss
7/7: The Surprises of Starting Over
7/8: The Beauty of Beginning Again
7/9: Losing Black & White Thinking While Starting Over
7/10: The Magic of Embracing Stillness When Making a Comeback
7/11: Permission to Be Imperfect When Starting Anew
7/12: How a Community Grows When We Begin Again
7/13: Shock, Surprise, and the Hidden Impact of Starting Over
7/14: Hanging On When All Is Shattered, When All Your Hope Is Gone
7/15: Dealing With Disarray and Disharmony When Starting Over
7/16: Discomfort When Others Aren’t Ready to Begin Again
7/17: Allowing for New Dreams to Come True
7/18: Welcoming Unexpected Joy
7/19: Redefining Success the Second Time Around
7/20: Forgiving Yourself for the First Try
7/21: Final Reflection: Why We Begin Again
Day 11, July 9
Losing Black & White Thinking While Starting Over
Today’s Reflection
In 2015, soon after my first husband announced he was leaving our decades-long marriage, I entered intensive psychiatric treatment for anxiety and emotional support. I’ve written about those days here and here. I’ve also written about managing my mental health here.
Though I’d been increasingly unhappy in my marriage, I never once considered that we wouldn’t make it. There had been many times in which I’d voiced my frustration and unhappiness (as well as my desire to go to couples therapy), but after I did, I almost always ended up feeling like I was being too demanding, too ungrateful, or too unwilling to admit that I was the primary problem.
By the time my husband moved out, I believed that I deserved to be left. By then, I’d already convinced myself I was unworthy, “too much,” and broken.
Our separation lasted two years, and during that time, friends convinced me to get back out there and start dating again. I did so reluctantly, but after a short while, I decided it wasn’t for me. I told myself I didn’t need a man, that I didn’t want the hassles and the drama and the uncertainty of a serious relationship. I was done, and it felt awesome to draw that line in the sand.
In therapy, I’d learned about something called black and white thinking. It’s when you look at things as one way or another, like, all or nothing. I came to see that so much of my life was based on this perspective.
So much of how I saw life until then was either black or white. Perhaps the key to knowing if you do it, too, is to notice if you use the word “either” as much as I did:
I was either loved… or not.
I was either happy… or unhappy.
I was either a good friend/daughter/mom/wife/employee… or a shitty one.
I was either a success… or a failure.
I was either positive… or negative.
I was either clear… or unclear.
I was leaving no room for gray, no room for nuance, no room for a middle ground. And the thing is, I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Only in therapy did I slow down and notice how I was sabotaging myself by seeing the world as black or white.
And as I’ve learned, there’s a reason I was like this…why MANY of us are like this. It’s far less work to think in black or white. It’s so much less complicated to see things as one way or another. It takes more work, more thought, more energy, and more RISK to consider the layers of issues.
I came to see that I’d been taking the easy way out.
In therapy, that changed. I was in my mid-40s and just learning how to examine issues with a more discerning heart. It was exhausting and I stumbled often, but with practice, my narrow world began to open up.
In therapy, I was encouraged to get curious, and to notice any extreme language I’d default to. Here are some of the questions I’d ask myself at that time (I’ll highlight the black and white extreme thinking in bold):
Was I actually the sole “problem” in my marriage?
Had I never been loved at any point in our 26 years together?
Was I a complete failure as a friend/daughter/mom/wife/employee, or had I done at least a few good things along the way?
Yes, my marriage was ending, but did that have to mean that my entire life was over, too?
Can you see the extremes there? Can you see how all-or-nothing thinking can hijack our minds?
Fast forward to when I started dating. I was still relatively new in my awareness of black and white thinking, but the modern dating world — with all its apps encouraging us to swipe left or right — only reinforces the all-or-nothing approach. I’m either interested in this person — or not. He seems like a good fit — or not. I can picture myself with this guy — or not.
But then, when I met Eric, it felt easy to notice layers. It felt natural to see him as a multidimensional person.
I saw him as more than just a widower: I also saw him as a smart, funny, handsome, tenderhearted guy.
I saw him as more than just “another guy” out on “another date”: I also learned he was someone looking for a long-term relationship… someone in it for “forever.”
During our eight years of dating, we spent a lot of time on our phones and on FaceTime. The screenshot above was from June 26, 2019. I don’t remember why was so sad on that call, but I can see it in my weepy eyes. Was I missing Eric? Had I had a tough conversation with one of my kids? Was I having a wave of grief thinking about my late sister? No matter what, I know I was wishing Eric was physically with me, rather than on a device. He gives the best hugs in the world, and I know I needed one in that moment.
But, when I zoom into that picture, I can see his sweet smile. Though I was sad, he was still able to bring hope to the call. Though I was hurting, he nevertheless introduced quiet strength into the space.
I don’t know if Eric took that screenshot or if I did, but it was probably him, because he’s the visual designer. I’m guessing he sent it to me later to show me how we’d both positioned our hands the same way. He does things like that all the time. He notices little details that pass right by me.
I share this because, when I see that image, I see a woman trying so hard to hold on to hope and strength and positivity, even when it felt too exhausting and too futile. And I see a man offering a gentle reminder that it’s okay to feel all the feelings… a man who sees his partner and reassures her with his gaze… a partner who doesn’t need words to signal that he’s not going anywhere.
Your Turn
When have you noticed yourself engaging in black and white thinking? When have you slipped into an all-or-nothing perspective? How did it feel? What happened (or didn’t happen)?
What I Learned About Second Chances
So often, a second chance involves significant risk.
I took a risk by going to therapy, and I learned skills that better help me synthesize the world.
I took a risk by dating again after divorce, and I found the kind of love I never imagined I’d find.
How These Reflections Might Fit in Our Forthcoming Book
I think we should include a section on “risk-taking.” I mean, not every second chance is a choice, you know? Sometimes, second chances are offered. Sometimes, second chances fall unexpectedly into our orbit.
In a way, though, that’s how I see Eric. Yes, I chose to start dating again after loss, but so did he.
We both took a risk.
I’m so thankful.
Christine Wolf is a memoir coach, developmental editor, and author of Politics, Partnerships, & Power. She teaches workshops in Expressive Writing for Emotional Healing at Northwestern University and is the founder and principal of Writers’ Haven Evanston, a workspace for writers near Chicago. christinewolf.com
Eric Ronne is the founder and principal of Lumen Design (no, not “that” LUMON), specializing in web3 branding, web design, event design, custom illustration, and more.
They met on a dating site.
Call for Submissions
We’re collecting 750-word essays for We Began Again: Collected Essays on Second Chances through 11:59pm Central time on July 21, 2025.
We Began Again:
Collected Essays on Second Chances
Edited by Christine Wolf & Eric Ronne
We’re thrilled to officially announce our very first collaborative book project as co-editors (and newlyweds)!
This collection will feature personal essays from writers around the world—true stories of transformation, resilience, and hope when life took an unexpected turn — by writers who chose to begin again.
As a real-life second-chance couple, we’re so excited to begin our new chapter as wife and husband (see what I did there?). We invite you to share in our joy by sharing your story (or stories!) of reinvention.
Submission Window
Opens: June 21, 2025 at 9:00am CST (our wedding day!)
Closes: July 21, 2025 at 11:59pm CST
✍️ What We’re Looking For
We’re accepting personal essays (up to 750 words) on how a second chance impacted your life. A few examples:
A second chance at love after heartbreak or loss
A career pivot or unexpected professional reinvention
Starting over in a new place—a town, a country, or even just a new mindset
Returning to sobriety, or beginning a journey of recovery
Rebuilding trust with a friend, partner, or family member
Reinventing yourself after failure, burnout, illness, grief, or regret
Or any other moment where life gave you another shot, and you took it
If you’ve ever had to rebuild, reimagine, or begin again, we want to hear your story.
3 Top Tips for Success
Jump right into the action.
Don’t give us a ton of backstory. Instead, consider starting with the problem you faced and what the stakes were.
Embrace vulnerability.
Make sure readers understand what your struggle was. Let us sit with the discomfort of the unknown before telling us how you “solved” or “fixed” things. Bring us into your feelings of shock, indecision, pain, loss, or overwhelm.Tell us more than just what happened: Go deep and describe how the events made you FEEL.
Submission Fee: $10 per essay (but FREE to paid subscribers of this newsletter)
FAQs
1. Will contributors be paid?
Not financially, but here’s what you will receive:
A digital copy of the finished book
A chance to have your writing featured and promoted in a one-of-a-kind collection launched during a real-life love story
Interviews with us once the book’s published
Our deepest gratitude for helping us build something meaningful, lasting, and real
2. Can I submit more than one essay?
Yes!
3. Can I submit previously published work?
Yes, as long as you have the rights to the content.
4. Will I retain the rights to the work I submit?
Yes!
5. Can I publish under a pen name?
Yes!
6. Are you looking for uplifting stories? Vulnerable stories? Unresolved stories?
Yes. Yes. And yes.
7. How do I submit?
Paid subscribers, click here to submit your essay(s) FREE!
Use Discount Code SECONDCHANCE
Questions?
Drop your questions in the comments. We’re happy to clarify anything.
Know Someone With A Good Second Chance Story?
Please share this post with them and encourage them to submit an essay!
We can’t wait to read your second chance stories—big or small, joyful or complicated, typical or miraculous. They all matter.
With love and excitement,
Christine & Eric
As a psychologist who is interested in helping others move forward in life in as healthy ways plural as possible. I often check in with my patients when they describe their partners having black and white thinking - (it is one thing to have it when we get stressed, put in anxiety producing situations, or feel over exhausted - we all have it to various degrees at these times) - can they carry out a conversation where they can see the other person's side of the story - or apologize for an obvious wrong they committed - when they aren't angry? Or do they notriously focus on what the other person has done wrong.
Meaning, the stress of life for them is never a two-way street. What goes wrong is always somebody else's fault. This is not a good sign for a healthy, loving, long-term relationship.
Best wishes. Your journey is helping people out here. Your insights help me guide my day-to-day thinking, even if I never get around to writing a whole book.