Sometimes I Feel Too Sensitive For This Life
I'm sticking with it anyway.
I had an internal meltdown today — something I’ve done many days throughout my life. On the outside, few if any would notice the storm brewing in my mind and in my heart. Despite the chaos just below the surface, I was able to get up, shower, make coffee, meet with clients, make dinner, have some giggles with friends and loved ones, reply to texts and emails, go back to work before bedtime, and even write this post.
However, there was a lot more going on than many realize.
Inside, I was on relentless hypervigilant alert, quietly and repeatedly redirecting my wandering, worried thoughts back to the present.
It. Is. Exhausting.
Maybe you know this dance? The one where you’re trying to stay one step ahead of the overwhelm? If you’re anything like me — someone who’s gone through significant trauma and worked HARD to process and heal from it — you know that it takes daily (often HOURLY) effort to stay grounded and aware of the differences between real and perceived threats.
As I end my day, I want to write about how I pulled myself out of one of my potential spirals, just to illustrate the process of managing chronic anxiety and C-PTSD. What follows isn’t advice I’ve received, and I’m not recommending my process for everyone. Simply put, this is how I navigated some dips in mood and confidence today. I hope it helps to see what I did. I’d love to know how you face down your moments of emotional overwhelm.
STEP ONE: Get it out
When I first felt the overwhelm hijack my body, I was sitting at my desk, looking over my to-do list, wondering ALL THE THINGS, like “How am I possibly going to get all this shit done????” and “There aren’t enough hours in the YEAR to complete these tasks…” and “Why do I always screw myself over with time management?” and “Who am I going to disappoint most?”
As all those negative thoughts started crashing over me, I felt the tears coming and the knot in my throat tighten.
And so, I took to writing. I opened up a blank template on Substack and began typing ALL THE THINGS fighting for my mental attention (good and bad):
In 24 days, I’m getting married to the best man I’ve ever known.
My children are all healthy and thriving.
My parents, nearing 80, are alive and well.
And yet, this morning, like so many other mornings, I woke up in a controlled state of panic, fighting off the endless loop of judgements ping-ponging in my head:
I’m doing too much.
I’ve bitten off too many things.
I’ve overpromised and am now underdelivering.
I’m disorganized.
I’m too sensitive.
I’m too soft, too weak, too emotional.
I’m easily dysregulated and oftentimes insecure.
I’ll never let go of the trauma of my past.
I’m easily leavable.
I’m doing this all wrong.
I’ll never catch up.
I should feel more grateful for all the good things in my life.
And then, as I wiped my tears and took a deep breath, I closed the Substack app.
STEP TWO: Switch gears
I went back to work feeling immediately relieved not to hold all those mixed-up feelings in my body. Although I hadn’t “resolved” anything or “fixed” anything, I knew I’d ACCOMPLISHED something by standing up to my overwhelm and assigning it some language.
When I feel flooded, it’s sometimes hard for my body to recognize the difference between the overwhelm of gratitude and the overwhelm of stress. From a very young age, my body learned to recognize overwhelm as scary, out of control, and negative. Only when I hit my 40s did I start to understand that overwhelm can be rooted in happiness, too.
My fiancée’s father, Ed, was one of the first people who taught me that emotional overwhelm is natural, acceptable, and okay to show to others. I first met Ed when I was in my late 40s and he was in his late 80s. He was never embarrassed to hide his tears and was unapologetic when they showed up. His acceptance of them was, at first, stunning to me. Initially, I was uncomfortable when he got teary, wondering:
What kind of man shows such emotion?
What kind of person cries openly and doesn’t hide their tears?
What does it say about someone when they express weepiness in public?
For most of my life, I was encouraged NOT to cry.
I was told to “be strong.”
I was urged to “stay positive.”
Crying, in my experience, was what you did when you couldn’t handle things.
When you were weak.
When you were negative.
But when Eric and I would stop by to visit Ed at his house (or later, at his apartment), he’d sometimes cry tears of happiness upon seeing us. He’d also get weepy as he spoke about his kids, his grandkids, his late wife, his siblings, his parents, his friends, his memories… It’s not that he cried all the time, but when those moments of emotional overwhelm showed up, they showed up FULLY and OPENLY. Ed’s eyes would glisten and he’d smile, then he’d wipe his eyes, blow his nose, and carry on. It was like a beautiful little bolt of emotional lightning hitting him…and then it was gone.
It took me some time to understand what I was seeing, especially since it was so unfamiliar. Ed was doing the opposite of what I’d learned to do with my own overwhelm: he wasn’t fighting it.
Similarly, one of my beloved clients, Reg (also in his 80s) is someone who occasionally tears up when feelings move him. Sitting on Zoom calls together, we’ll often talk about life and how he’s navigated for nearly nine decades. When he’s struck by feelings of deep and moving emotions, he doesn’t look away when his eyes well up. He doesn’t try to hide his tears. Instead, we look at each other, honoring the brief period of silence between us, and nod.
These moments with Ed and Reg (and so many others in my life these days) have taught me the power of embracing my tears. I can’t say I’m as good as Ed and Reg yet, but by the time I’m in my 80s, I hope to be a master like them.
STEP THREE: Dive back in, this time with resources
Later in the day, I went back to my list (a.k.a. brain dump) and reviewed it from a less emotionally charged perspective.
Looking at that list, I could see it through more compassionate, reasoned eyes. I pulled some skills from my years of therapy, treating myself with the gentleness and playful humor I’d hope a good friend might offer. After a little distance, I could now offer myself the curiosity and kindness that I couldn’t access earlier, like,
I’m doing too much.
Of course I am! I’m getting married in three weeks and running two businesses! It won’t always feel this hectic…
I’ve bitten off too many things.
Okay, then let’s make a list and prioritize and delegate…
I’ve overpromised and am now underdelivering.
Are you really? Or does it just feel like that with some things?
I’m disorganized.
Maybe with some things, but not with everything. Let’s do a quick triage of what needs immediate attention.
I’m too sensitive.
I’m sorry, but who’s policing sensitivity today? You’re a highly tuned-in person, and that’s often a very good thing. Right now, with all that’s on your plate, your sensitivity leaves you feeling extra tender. It’s going to be okay.
I’m too soft, too weak, too emotional.
Are these labels actually true? Might they be terms others have weaponized and used against you in the past?
I’m easily dysregulated and oftentimes insecure.
Are you human? Just asking for a friend.
I’ll never let go of the trauma of my past.
You are correct. And, that trauma has helped you to empathize with others and appreciate all the good in your life.
I’m easily leavable.
Yes, for some people, you’re clearly not who or what they want. Are you trying your best? Is that not good enough for them? If so, be thankful that they leave. Moreover, be proud that you aren’t the type to bail on others.
I’m doing this all wrong.
ALL wrong? That’s a stretch. Last I checked, you’ve done more than a few things right. Is there room for improvement? Absolutely. Let’s identify the areas that need immediate action and go from there.
I’ll never catch up.
Didn’t you just listen to a podcast in which someone said that if we’re honest with ourselves, NO ONE EVERY FULLY CATCHES UP. C’mon, cut yourself a little slack. Everyone feels this way sometimes, and you’ll keep going.
I should feel more grateful for all the good things in my life.
SHOULD is an evil word, so drop it. AND, you ARE grateful, so quit being a drama queen ;)
STEP FOUR: Reflect and find meaning
When I first opened this post to write, I was completely overwhelmed. Tears were streaming from my eyes, and the knot in my throat was (literally) audible when I swallowed (can anyone relate??) — almost like a clicking sound (are those air bubbles? muscles grinding? what IS that sound???).
I finished STEP ONE, then stepped away from my computer, feeling slightly less overwhelmed. Having faced and given language to the very things that haunted me and drove me to tears, I felt relieved, lighter, and even a bit empowered.
And you know what? The process of writing this short newsletter reminds me that EVERY DIFFICULT MOMENT we have is an opportunity for learning, for growth, and for healing.
Writing this post at the end of the day has slowed me down and made me grateful for the chance to deconstruct my process, one that I wasn’t conscious of until I started writing.
There’s no way we can prevent feeling overwhelmed. The trick is NOT to fight it. The key is to face it, name it, and give yourself some grace.
YOUR TURN
When’s the last time you felt crushed by overwhelm? How did it feel inside? How did your overwhelm look on the outside? What did you do with all those feelings? Would you have done anything differently?
Thank you so much for this. It's so nice to find others who struggle with "too much" sensitivity. I've been this way for as long as I can remember and I really do feel too sensitive for this life, every day. Overwhelm is common, tears are common, beating myself over the head - common. But with age and insight and - this is really important - nervous system work, things are more settled now than they have been in a while. And btw - your hair looks beautiful. :)
Oh Christine! How happy I am for you! And how much this all resonated! Those of us so attuned to pain can forget the joy so easily. My sister tells me the feeling of anxiety is also anticipation. Thank you for sharing your process. It touched my heart and also in some magical way connected me back to the magic of that Highlights week, the first time I felt so seen with people like me. You are also seen. You are super and have the best wedding!!! Much love!