"Suck it, lady!"

When my (then) toddler shouts those words to a flight attendant, the nearby passengers whoop and clap and high-five us. Here's why.

Photo by Brecht Deboosere on Unsplash

Years ago, as we were getting seated for our flight from Chicago to Puerta Vallarta, Mexico, my youngest son, Nate, then still in diapers, squirms and squeals, letting everyone know he isn’t having any of it.

One flight attendant jumps into action and attempts to distract Nate by cooing and peekaboo-ing — but his surly little face makes it clear he’s less than willing to engage.

“I’m gonna get that big toe of yours!” she chirps, reaching with her spindly fingers for his bare, chubby little foot. “I’m gonna get it, and I’m gonna eat that big toe!”

She seems to me about sixty years old, and she must have doused herself in perfume before we boarded; every time she moves near us, I have to hold my breath.

As she leans into our row, trying to settle my child’s tantrum, I watch with wide eyes as she employs a level of tenacity and determination that she clearly used to apply her thick, dramatic makeup.

“Are you ready for me to nibble on that big toe?” she says in her loud, sing-songy voice. “I’m so hungry! I’m gonna get it! Yes I am! Ima-gonna-git-it!”

“No thank you!” my son warbles as he pulls his leg away from her, arching his back and whacking me in the mouth with his head.

“That’s okay,” I say. “I think he’ll settle down once the engines rev up,” but as I run my tongue across my fat bottom lip, she just keeps on going.

“I’m gonna suck your big toe like it’s a lollipop!” she squeals to my son, taking his foot in her hand and opening her mouth wide. OMG.

If I am horrified, I can’t even imagine what that face looks like from Nate’s little perspective.

I look around the plane and notice that others wear the same expression I do — something akin to What the hell is with this woman?

“Thanks for your help,” I say to her. “I really think we’ll be okay.”

She stands there for what feels like an eternity, oozing perfume and judgmental looks: Can’t you control your child? Quiet that kid up! When’s the last time he ate? What kind of mother are you?

I want to disappear, but as anyone who travels with toddlers knows, it’s sometimes best to ignore their tantrums, rather than trying to silence them.

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As I’d suspected, once the plane takes off, Nate thankfully settles down in my arms. Mercifully, he sleeps for the first couple of hours, then wakes up as the flight attendant’s beverage cart stops at our aisle seat.

“Care for a drink?” she asks me. Her tone suggests I need a double after my child’s earlier behavior.

“Just water, please,” I say. “Thanks.”

And then, unprompted, Nate speaks up.

“Suck it,” he says softly to the woman.

Photo by Shubham Dhage on Unsplash

“Nate!” I say, my eyes bugged-out-wide.

Holding a bag of pretzels, the flight attendant leans down toward us, making sure her ears aren’t deceiving her.

“Suck it,” Nate says again, reaching for his foot, pulling it up, then extending it directly toward our flight attendant.

The look she gives me? Oh. My. God. I can’t even begin to describe it, but this image helps:

“Excuse me?” the woman asks, more to me than to my child, putting our pretzels back into her push cart.

“Suck my toe!” Nate now demands, his foot pressing against the seat back for dramatic effect. As I grab his leg, I try, but fail, to hide my smile.

“Nate!” I say, gently putting my hand over his mouthy little mouth.

“He’s adorable,” she sneers — clearly a baby-hater if I’ve ever seen one.

“I’m so sorry,” I say to the flight attendant, feeling trapped and laughing nervously at the absurdity of it all.

Perhaps this flight attendant’s dealing with abandonment issues and has determined that my toddler’s unpredictable moods are no match for her fragile emotional constitution. Maybe, in the time since we took off, she’s decided to dial back her toe-sucking ways. Whatever the issue, it’s now abundantly clear: She no longer wants to interact with my child — or his digits.

“Will there be anything else?” she asks me curtly, handing me my plastic cup of water.

“No thanks,” I say, knowing it’s just a matter of time before Nate, sensing injustice, speaks his mind.

Sure enough, as the flight attendant moves toward the back of the plane, Nate lurches his upper body into the aisle and shouts, “Suck it, lady!”

She’d made the toe-sucking offer earlier, goddamn it, and now that he’s rested and in the right mindset to receive it, he’s ready to claim his prize.

“Suck my toe!” he shouts, and the plane immediately erupts into laughter.

The woman completely ignores Nate and keeps on serving.

Every time he cries out for her attention, passengers fall into fits of uncontrolled laughter, slapping their laps and clapping for Nate. The passenger across the aisle even high-fives us. Clearly, the flight attendant’s attitude (or is it the perfume?) has gotten to us all.

Suck it, lady.

This phrase now pops into my mind whenever someone’s being ridiculous, petty, immature, self-absorbed, or just an everyday asshole.

Do you have any go-to phrases like that?
Do you need to borrow mine?
Unlike airline snacks these days, it’s completely free.

Photo by Tucker Good on Unsplash