Thanks to 23andme, I Discovered the Half-Sister I Never Knew Existed
As we prepare to meet for the very first time, my entire life — past, present, and future — feels different.
Last month, through 23andme, I learned I have a half-sister I never knew existed.
The crazy thing is, I received my DNA results from the company in 2017, five years ago, but I never bothered to look at my family tree. I sincerely thought I knew everything I needed to know about who was in my family. Never — not in a bajillion years — did I question the fact that I’m the eldest of three sisters.
After spitting in that test tube and sending my saliva to the 23andme lab for genetic analysis, my anticipation for results focused on learning more about my health history and hopefully some detail about the geographical origins of my family.
When my results were delivered via email in 2017, I was fascinated (and slightly overwhelmed) by the extensive data. From my genetic health predispositions to my likelihood of developing certain syndromes, I devoured the information like the inquisitive journalist I am. And, though I chuckled at some of the questionable results (“More likely to be able to match a musical pitch,” um, no!!), most of my results eerily confirmed the physical traits I already knew:
Less likely to get dandruff: Check.
Likely can smell asparagus odor: Check.
More likely to have green/hazel eyes: Check.
More likely to experience hair photobleaching: Check.
More likely than average to have had a bunion: I’ve had two removed.
If I even noticed the family tree page in my results, I either glanced at it quickly or skipped it altogether because, duh — I was 49 years old. Thanks, 23andme, but I know who my family is.
Fast forward five years.
Recently, I heard the author Dani Shapiro interviewed on Terrible, Thanks For Asking about her life-altering experience with 23andme — describing how she learned that the man who’d raised her was, in fact, not actually her biological father. Shapiro’s story hung with me and reminded me that, during Covid, I’d been contacted by a woman in France who, it turns out, is a distant cousin of mine. We share the same Great Great Grandparents, and she apparently found me through her genealogical research. Apparently, five years ago, I’d checked a box on 23andme indicating I’d be interested in connecting with my genetic relatives.
Prompted by Shapiro’s story and my newfound curiosity about my extended family, I dug out my dusty 23andme Username and Password and finally peeked at my family tree — but what I found, well, it seemed (much like my ability to match musical pitch) like an obvious mistake.
An unfamiliar woman’s name popped up on my tree, and when I clicked on it, I couldn’t believe what I saw: “Predicted Half-Sister”.
For perspective, according to 23andme, whereas I share 50% of my DNA with my biological children, I share 23.07% with my half-sister, and 10.35% with her daughter. I share 5-8% of my DNA with my first cousin’s children (1st Cousins, Once Removed), and 1% with my Second cousin, Once Removed.
Still, this all has to be an error. I think I’d know if I had a half-sister by now, right? I mean…right??
I have a friend who recently learned she has a half-brother. Her dad, now in his 90s, apparently didn’t know that he’d gotten a woman pregnant — a woman who never told him she’d had their child. That child is now a man himself, and he recently used 23andme to find his biological father. I’ve been fascinated by my friend’s story, and I considered it a total anomaly. I mean, what’s the likelihood of something like that happening, and who do those kinds of situations even happen to?
Apparently, thanks to genetic testing kits like 23andme, it happens a LOT. The likelihood of knowing someone like my friend’s dad is pretty, pretty, pretty good.
Turns out, I am, indeed one of those “anomalies”, and I’m now living in an unquestionably altered universe.
How did I never know I had a sister?
What is she like?
How can I honor the unknown ways this news impacts her life?
Would it be weird to document our first meeting? Will we regret it if we don’t?
Might our paths have ever crossed (or come close)?
What’s her background?
In what ways are we alike and different?
How can we ever make up for 54 lost years?
Will we remember to share all the good parts of our histories? How and when do we share the not-so good parts?
After our initial meeting, how do we sustain a relationship of substance?
Where are the therapists who specialize in this type of family dynamic?
How do we prepare for and navigate the ripple effects this news brings?
What’s this family dynamic even called?
Since my discovery, I’ve been devouring online content in an effort to wrap my head around what’s happening. One of my new favorite podcasts is Family Secrets, hosted by Dani Shapiro.
Thanks to kits like 23andme, DNA discoveries now happen every day. One of Shapiro’s guests described how this moment in history — as it literally explodes with DNA results reshaping our notions of “family” — will forever change the ways in which we share, talk about, process, and manage these newly discovered relations, suggesting that we’ll likely see a new branch of social psychology that specifically addresses these unique and complicated dynamics. I wish I could quote that guest directly, but since I’ve been binge listening (and even falling asleep to episodes), it may take some time to find the quote!
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My newly discovered sister is 18 months older than me. Technically, am I still the eldest of three — or am I now considered a middle child of four?
And, how will this new discovery impact our extended families? For instance, I have half-nieces and nephews I didn’t know existed, and my children now have half-cousins.
In my experience, the key to life is staying present, and I’m grateful that my *new* sister and I both seem willing and open to meet and step tentatively into a relationship. Like me, she values family, and she’s made it clear that she really wants to meet me. As she suggested in her email to me yesterday, our first meeting will be exciting and informative. To paraphrase some of her words, as we connect the dots to our backgrounds (and parents), and thus better understand our relationships with them, there is nothing for us to lose by meeting. We can only gain.
At the end of her email, she wrote:
“I have a sister. How cool is that? I can’t wait until we meet.”
Not surprisingly, I feel exactly the same.
We plan to meet later this month for the very first time. I'm counting the hours until I look directly into her eyes and introduce myself to the sister I never knew existed.
P.S. I also wrote about this subject here.
Dani Shapiro's book is amazing (I love all her work). Maud Newton's new book, Ancestor Trouble, touches on much of this topic, too -- might be an interesting read for you, as a person who is experiencing this.
What a crazy story. It makes me want to try it now!