The best advice I've ever received about writing — and life.

The sooner we learn this, the happier and less stressful life can be.

Photo by Matt Duncan on Unsplash

As a memoir coach, I work with clients every day, listening to their concerns and helping them overcome obstacles which often include writer’s block, imposter syndrome, overthinking, indecision, lack of focus, and the lingering effects of past trauma.

Time and again, as these wise and reasonable adults acknowledge their vulnerabilities and ask for help to get “back on track”, they compare themselves to other writers:

My critique group partners are all published and I’m not.

So and so just came out with their seventh book and I can’t even finish my first draft.

Author X just won the Caldecott Medal. Why do I even try with this manuscript?

Writer X has 145,000 followers on Instagram. I have 260 and more than half are my friends and relatives. I suck.

My writer friend posts videos on TikTok about her process every week, but I’ll never be comfortable or confident doing that.

You get my point.

I, too, used to wrestle with defeating thoughts like those, especially early on in my writing career. And while I still battle imposter syndrome and negative thinking (my God, who doesn’t?!), the thing that’s helped me most is to stop comparing.

This is obviously easier said than done, but here’s the mantra I say to myself all the time, something I consider the best advice I've ever received about writing — and life:

We’re all doing awesome.
We’re just at different stages of growth.

Allow me to switch gears for a minute.

Years ago, while I was going through a divorce, I found myself constantly observing others who’d been through the process, desperate to understand how they’d survived it. How did they untangle finances? How did they navigate raising the children? How did they embrace their newly single lives… or dating… or friends who disappear… or the grief that comes from an unexpected end?

While my intention was to look to others as beacons of hope, what I often did — unconsciously — was to compare myself:

They’ve figured out their finances, yet I’m here drowning in paperwork I don’t understand.

They’ve figured out a shared custody system that works for their family, yet here I am, staring at the calendar, not sure how any of this will come together.

They’ve figured out how to date and find love…. and build new relationships with loyal friends… and work through the shock and anger and grief. They seem so well adjusted, happy, and at peace with their new lives, yet I’m just beginning to relearn everything about my newly-single self.

If you only remember two words from this post, remember these:

JUST BEGINNING.

Those two words are EVERYTHING, because everything and everyone starts somewhere.

Every effort, every struggle, every accomplishment, every process of healing has to begin with a first step, followed by another, and another, and another.

To be sure, there WILL be missteps and stumbles and failures, but each one of those attempts builds the callouses we need to survive and thrive. Each one of those defeats presents opportunities to do something better and stronger.

To make ourselves better and stronger.

When I think about the first time I attempted the Chicago Marathon, I’m amazed by how completely unprepared I was. I hadn’t trained nearly enough. I didn’t have an accountability partner. I didn’t understand or fully appreciate how critical nutrition and hydration were. And when I dropped out of that first race at 15 miles, just over the halfway mark, all I did was focus on the runners whizzing past me toward the Finish Line (hell, yes, I capitalize those words!!), rather than giving myself credit for how far I’d come. I wasn’t able to see what I’d accomplished. All I saw was how I’d failed.

My viewpoint was skewed by the emotional blinders I’d built with my toxic comparisons to others. I figured out that I had to stop comparing myself to others’ goals, accomplishments, and timelines.

But how?

My whole life, I’d been encouraged to be myself, to be happy, and to be “me”. The challenge was, I wasn’t sure who I was inside, so I looked to others for direction.

During my formative years, in the 1980s, the catchphrases I remember the most were:

• “I Pity The Fool”

• “I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up”

• “Whatchu Talkin' 'Bout Willis?”

• “Say Hello To My Little Friend”

• “What everrrrrrrrrr…”

• “Pardon Me, Do You Have Any Grey Poupon?”

• “Save Ferris!”

• “I'll Be Back.”

• “As If.”

• “I feel the need…the need for speed.”

• “Wax on, Wax Off.”

• “I’m not your father.”

• “Like, totally.”

• “Take a chill pill.”

• “Nice mullet.”

• “Gag me with a spoon.”

• “I Want My MTV,” and

• “Where's The Beef?”

  Instead, I wish I would have heard these words every day:

We’re all doing awesome.
Just at different stages of growth.

Maybe there’s an easy way to turn that into a catchphrase for the 2020s. Like, let’s just use the first letter of each word:

W.A.D.A.
J.A.D.S.O.G.

Wada Jadsog.

Think it’ll stick?
Yeah, me neither.

But I couldn’t be more serious.

Take, for example, my experience as a marathoner. Though I had to pull out of my first race, I went on to complete three marathons.

Take, for example, my experience as a performer at The Moth storytelling events. I went to countless shows before stepping on the stage. During my first performance, I rambled and went WAY over the time limit. Eventually, with enough practice, I became a Moth StorySLAM champ.

Take, for example, my experience as a writer. The first book manuscript I wrote (which took me years to complete) is still in a drawer, but I don’t consider it a failure or a waste of time. I still think of the moment I typed “The End” and cried with relief. I needed to reach that point before writing something even better (and believe me, I still write plenty of crap). I went on to become an accidental newspaper columnist and interview a sitting president and a former U.S. Secretary of Defense. My first book, a biography about two former members of the United States Congress, comes out next year, and thanks to the pandemic, it’s a process that’s taken five years and counting. I went on to become a writing coach and help others overcome their hurdles and stuck-points because I’ve been there and can empathize and I understand what it takes to keep pushing.

And that’s because the best advice I’ve ever received about writing and life is that

We’re all doing awesome.
We’re just at different stages of growth.

Patience is invisible, and many of your accomplishments might even feel inconsequential, but when you stop comparing yourself to others and focus on examining your own journey, I challenge you not to feel amazed by your badass self.

Keep going.
I promise it’s worth it!

Find more of my writing at www.christinewolf.com.