Am I Having An Existential Crisis?
Maybe...but right now, I'm too tired and conflicted to even Google the term.
I don’t even know what it officially means to have an existential crisis, but I’m beginning to suspect I’m in the middle of one.
I’ve been hesitant to admit it, even to myself.
I mean, what the heck? I’m running a thriving writing coaching business, one that gives my life a sense of purpose. And I have many people in my life who I deeply love and who love me more than I ever thought possible.
Why, then, am I wrestling with a sense of feeling deeply stuck?
Why do I feel like I’m growing increasingly weary?
Why am I regularly fighting waves of shame, guilt, anxiety, and overwhelm?
Why am I constantly working against a sense of dread?
By naming these questions and sharing my struggles, I hope to gain a sense of agency during this deeply unnerving and confusing season of my life. By opening up, I hope to make sense of some of the thoughts that leave me feeling disempowered and vulnerable.
In a way, I feel like I’ve been here in this space before. I’m no stranger to anxiety, and I’ve learned that when I don’t address it, it can quickly morph into depression. To that end, I see a lot of telltale signs: I feel highly anxious and somewhat empty; I’m exercising less, eating more, and aching to sleep as much as possible; and in many ways, I feel blue.
But for some reason, things feel different.
At first, I wondered if I’ve been feeling this way because I had a bad case of COVID in January followed by a horrible respiratory virus six months later. I lost all my energy and stamina and stopped training for what would have been my 5th Chicago Marathon. Being so sedentary, I gained weight. All of my clothes feel uncomfortable and I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. And yet, these are in no way real “problems”. These are temporary and surmountable inconveniences — and they’re not the issues I’m referring to.
I’ve also wondered if I’ve just been biting off more than I can chew. I tend to say yes to a lot, only to wear myself out trying to get everything done. But no. I don’t think that’s what this is, either.
I especially can’t overlook how poorly I’ve been sleeping lately. I regularly have trouble falling asleep, and rarely do I sleep through the night. While it’s natural to conclude “Ah ha! This must be depression,” all my struggles — with sleep, energy, anxiety, and even negative self-talk — have felt quite unique.
The truth is, it feels like all my recent struggles serve as evidence that I should be doing something that I’m not. And, upon further reflection, it seems to me that I know what “that thing” is. I need to SPEAK UP.
The problem is, I’ve been specifically asked — no, I’ve been TOLD — by others not to speak up about a particular subject, and I’m truly at a life-changing crossroads.
You see, I’m managing an internal war, one that’s literally eating me alive. The fact is, I need to share this issue with the world because it’s something that I know will help to save others’ lives — yet there are those who’ve specifically asked me not to talk openly about it.
Every day I wake up and ask myself, “Is this the day I’ll summon my courage and use my voice and speak my truth and make the world a better place?” And yet, every day I remain quiet, fearing that if I do speak out, I’ll suffer unfathomable consequences.
It’s unconscionable to me that, as a 54-year-old woman, I’m allowing others to dictate what I can — or cannot — say.
To be sure, the situation is far more complicated than I can explain in this post, but the fact remains: I’ve been asked to carry someone else’s secret, and I’m not sure I can carry it much longer — not just because it’s tearing me personally apart, but because I know I’m harming others by choosing to remain silent. That’s really what this is about. It’s about having to make — and live with — a difficult choice, one that I’m increasingly certain I’ll end up making.
By carrying this secret, I’m growing more and more anxious and torn over how to speak my truth without destroying relationships.
I don’t mean for this post to be cryptic or obtuse, though I can see how it might come off that way. I’m trying to express my authentic feelings while also honoring others’ directives to be quiet. As dramatic as this may sound, I can only describe my conflicted feelings as torture. More and more often, I’m feeling paralyzed. More and more often, I’m feeling exhausted by the mental energy I expend, having these stupid back-and-forth conversations in my mind, like:
Voice 1: “So…what if I share the news this way?”
Voice 2: “Nope. They told you not to say anything.”
Voice 1: “But what if they soften once I get it out into the world? Maybe they’ll see how being open can help?”
Voice 2: “Dream on. You know better.”
Voice 1: “But how can I keep holding this in? It’s making me sick.”
Voice 2: “Don’t you think they have their reasons for asking you to stay silent?”
Voice 1: “Yes, but what about my own reason for needing to open up? Doesn’t that count for something?”
Voice 2: “Maybe not. Besides, are you willing to lose them if you speak out?”
Voice 1: “I don’t think so, but…”
Voice 2: “But what?”
Voice 1: “How can they expect me to hold their secret? It’s neither reasonable nor fair.”
Voice 2: “Now you’re just acting like a victim.”
Voice 1: “God! No! I’m not! That’s ridiculous. I’m NOT feeling like a victim. But I AM feeling like it’s unreasonable for them to ask me to stay silent.”
Voice 2: “Life’s not fair. Get over it. They said to keep quiet. Period.”
Voice 1: “But why does it have to be so black or white? Isn’t there a compromise? A middle ground?”
Voice 2: “You know better. Their position is non-negotiable.”
Voice 1: “GOD. You know what’s not fair?”
Voice 2: “What?”
Voice 1: “That we can’t even talk about why my speaking up might help others, including them.”
Voice 2: “Please. They don’t want to hear that.”
Voice 1: “And I can understand why. I know they’re hurting, so this is their way of managing their pain. Still, I think they’d be surprised.”
Voice 2: “Surprised how?”
Voice 1: “I think they’ve convinced themselves that silencing me is a way to control their own out-of-control feelings. I suspect it’s easier to focus on me than on the real issues they’re avoiding.”
Voice 2: “But if they’re hurting and the silence helps ease their pain, why not just let them live with their silent approach?”
Voice 1: “Because then we’re all perpetuating a cycle of silence and shame that negatively impacts others in similar circumstances. But I don’t think they can see this.”
Voice 2: “So, what do you wish for?”
Voice 1: “I wish I could stand up without fear and speak my truth.”
Voice 2: “Anything else?”
Voice 1: “I wish they could see that by speaking up, I wouldn’t be doing it to hurt or defy them. I’d be doing it with the intention to save others from pain.”
Thanks for letting me process all of this. It’s a lot, and by writing about it, it really helped to get it all out of my head and onto the screen.
God willing, I’ll find the courage to speak up sooner than later. Once I do, you’ll be one of the first to hear my news — as well as whether my existential crisis is gone.
For what it’s worth… self worth and a positive mental attitude goes a long way. It has also gotten me through a lot of “stuff” both at work, and at home. I just power forward and things seem better, eventually! Hugs Ms Chrissy!
Cryptic or not, the heart of your conflict seems clear: keeping this secret is forcing you to be inauthentic. And apparently, so inauthentic it’s making you physically sick. (Feels like I know something about that.) You frame this as as a choice, but your body is giving you every signal that what you need to do isn’t optional. Don’t be afraid to listen to it.
Then you can focus on articulating what you need to do and why to the person who made the ask; maybe that will prompt them to take a close look at the fear that is making them silent - and the potential freedom of release?
Ultimately though, you’re making a choice between the relationship with this person or yourself. Why would you be less important?