The Healing Power of Memoir
As a memoir coach, I'm often asked, "Does writing about past trauma do more harm than good?" While working on my own memoir, I've been facing that question head on. Here's my response.
Writing heals.
Period.
I first discovered this when I picked up a pen and wrote my first journal entry at the age of 7. As the oldest child of an alcoholic, my home environment was chaotic, confusing, and unpredictable, and I was desperate to make sense of things no child should ever concern herself with, including abuse, neglect, and chronic uncertainty.
Writing To Empower and Heal
From the moment I wrote the first word of that inaugural journal entry, I immediately discovered a sense of control, a sense of agency, and a sense of order — all the things my home life lacked. And then, by adding entry after entry, I grew a deep appreciation for continuity and routine.
But don’t get me wrong. I certainly didn’t write every day after that. In fact, there’ve been many times (heck, many YEARS) that I haven’t journaled or written at ALL.
That said, since the age of 7, I’ve always known I can rely on writing — and on myself — when the world feels like it’s upside down. This, to me, is how writing has empowered and healed me.
I’m hardly alone in this thinking.
Experts Weigh In
Recently, while watching a recording of Linda Joy Meyers interviewing memoir teacher and therapist Jerry Waxler, I stopped the video multiple times to take in all the profound messages.
Waxler, who wrote Memoir Revolution: A Social Shift that Uses Your Story to Heal, Connect, and Inspire, had this to say about the power of memoir to heal:
“One reason I felt so compelled to write the book was because of my belief that writing a memoir can be a powerful aid to self-understanding. Turning life into story moves events from their haphazard storage in memory back into a sequence. We see the scenes more clearly, and by finding the narrative that links them, we understand ourselves in a new light.
Unlike more isolated forms of introspection such as therapy and journaling, this one reaches outward. From the time you share a few anecdotes with fellow writers, you begin to see yourself the way others have seen you, providing an almost magical amalgamation of self and society.
When I was growing up in the sixties, I looked for my truth in the stories popular among young intellectuals. Authors like Franz Kafka, Joseph Heller, Samuel Beckett, and Albert Camus convinced me that life is meaningless. Their powerful literary works helped me dismantle my trust in the world, and without trust, I sank.
Now in the 21st century, memoirs offer a more healing collection of stories that weave the good and the bad in life into a purposeful narrative. Instead of undermining readers with disturbing twists of irony and dystopia, modern memoir authors shape real life, with its cruelties, vagaries and victories into an orderly container as ancient as civilization itself.
The bestselling authors in the front lines of the Memoir Revolution taught us about this healing potential of life stories. By sharing the psychological influences that shaped them Tobias Wolff (This Boy's Life), Frank McCourt (Angela's Ashes) and Jeannette Walls (Glass Castle) gave the rest of us license to explore our own. Like published authors who have worked long and hard to discover the purpose and character arc of their protagonist, we aspiring memoir writers strive to find the same driving forces within our own lives.
Memoir-lovers in my experience intuitively recognize the potential that this genre has for healing us individually and collectively. My book, Memoir Revolution, backs up these intuitive views with research and examples about how the cultural passion for life stories serves us all.”
I LOVE how Waxler mentions memoir-lovers (of which I am one), and how they “intuitively recognize the potential that this genre has for healing us individually and collectively.”
Can I get an amen?
During Waxler’s discussion with Linda Joy Meyers, she mentions how, with memoir, we can take our past trauma and, rather than merely ruminate about or feel victimized by it, choose to revisit and find meaning from it.
And this is where memoir holds the key to healing.
Let’s say a victim of sexual assault decides to write about her experience. She chooses to face her painful and long-buried memories. In doing so, she comes to see that she did not, in fact, ask to be assaulted. She also comes to see that not everyone who goes through something like this is even willing or able to revisit — let alone write about — what happened. Rather than continue to feel disempowered, she comes to see herself in new ways: strong, clear, and empowered. By writing about the range of emotions she’s felt through the years, she helps other victims of sexual assault feel seen and validated. By writing, she creates a new narrative for her life going forward. By writing, she reclaims a voice silenced long ago.
The most important thing to note — for both the writer AND her reader — is that she survived. She lived through a traumatic event. She became a person strong enough to put pen to paper and share her story with the world.
As Waxler explains, memoir gives us an opportunity to honor the “character” we once may have been, describing how we moved through incredible hardship “in order to find a higher version of ourselves.” Speaking from personal experience as a victim of sexual assault, before I ever wrote an essay about what happened to me, I lived in a silent state of shame. But once I described and shared what happened to me (as well as my gratitude for the young man who stood up against his peers and helped me in a time of need), I felt like I’d grown. Having put some distance between the event and my current state of being, I’d gained newfound lightness in the face of such a dark time in my life. I’d found the courage to finally speak up, and by doing so, I felt healed.
Tips from a Memoir Coach
To be sure, memoir writing is hard, messy, non-linear work. We harvest (and sometimes dredge up) past life experiences, and some of them can be deeply painful. We reflect and often struggle to find meaning. It can be an exhausting, overwhelming slog, one that regularly leaves us feeling like giving up.
As a memoir coach, I strongly encourage clients to work with a therapist while writing. For those fortunate enough to have access to reputable and affordable mental health care, it makes all the difference in the world. It’s my sincere hope that more therapeutic resources become available to memoir writers. Speaking from experience, we need all the support we can get during this process. And if you don’t have the option to work with a therapist while writing your memoir, I believe it’s critical to do two things:
1. Journal
2. Find (or create) a safe community of early readers.
Journaling encourages you step out of the work of memoir. It helps you reset your thoughts and frame of mind, and at the same time, creates space to help you process what you’re feeling. One corrolary of journaling might even be that some of the reflections you record end up being useful for the memoir itself. There’s also loads of research on the power of journaling and healing one’s soul, and I’ve included some references at the end of this newsletter.
And, having a safe community of early readers is essential. You don’t need tons of readers; two or three is an ideal start. It’s not easy to share such deep and vulnerable pieces of yourself, so choose these individuals wisely. I remember sharing a draft of my middle-grade novel with a family member who was not a writer; the feedback I received left my head spinning. I eventually found “my people”, though — readers who were also writers, able to offer helpful critques and suggestions as well as validation. If you don’t have people like this in your life already, you can find them by creating a community. How to do that? There are tons of ways. You can start a critigue group at your local library or join a Facebook group that puts writers together with beta readers. You can also sign up for writers’ conferences and associations to find like-minded individuals there. You might also decide to work with a memoir coach for a period of time. That’s what I do for a living, and my clients’ needs vary widely, from first-time writers to published authors. All to say that every writer eventually needs a sounding board (or two or three)…
The Power of Memoir
From Memoir Revolution, here’s Jerry Waxler’s view on the power of memoir:
“Memoir authors combine psychology and literature without necessarily realizing they are doing so. They share indepth experiences at every stage of human development from childhood, adolescence, launching into adulthood, then growing older. They share their own experience of mental illnesses, such as bipolar disorder, depression, and Asperger’s syndrome. They recount the emotional and mental challenges of having polio, brain damage, becoming a tennis player, a scientist, a nun, a soldier, an immigrant, a mother with postpartum depression. Memoirs break the barriers that hide our mental processes, inviting us into each other’s inner worlds.”
What other literary genre can help both the writer AND the reader connect in such fundamental, healing ways? Perhaps the most profound thing Waxler says in Memoir Revolution, is this:
Writing a memoir builds a bridge and reading a memoir crosses that bridge.
—Jerry Waxler, Memoir Revolution
Speaking from Experience
As I work on my own memoir, I face the same questions and (let’s face it, brick walls) that my clients do. And while outlining my manuscript (yes, I outline, but I didn’t always), I’ve asked myself, “Does writing about past trauma do more harm than good?” Believe me, it’d be a lot easier NOT to revisit some of the more painful moments of my life.
But here’s how I think about things.
Just as a marathoner manages discomfort and delays gratification while training, memoir writers must wade in some discomfort and trust that their efforts will eventually pay off when they cross that publishing finish line.
Distress tolerance is something I learned several years ago while navigating a number of personal challenges. During that difficult time, I sought intensive treatment to help manage my anxiety and depression. I learned that distress tolerance is one of the pillars of a life-changing approach called CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), a model which also encourages emotional regulation, mindfulness meditation, and interpersonal effectiveness.
And so, when someone asks (or I ask myself), “Does writing about past trauma do more harm than good?” I now answer this way:
Writing about past trauma automatically elevates you to a position of authority. After all, if you’ve survived trauma, you’re officially writing as a survivor, right? So how’d you do it? How did it feel? What surprised you about your experience? What would you want people to know about the experience? What have you learned and carried forward having survived? If you’re willing to reflect on these and other aspects of your experience, you’re speaking from a place of thought leadership. I see no harm in this. Instead, I see so much good and so much healing — not just for us as writers, but also for our readers.
Are You Ready to Write YOUR Memoir?
If you’re considering writing your own memoir and aren’t sure where to start, take heart. I regularly speak with first-time memoirists who often ask:
Where do I begin?
How do I structure a memoir?
What if I’m not a “real” writer?
Is my story worth telling?
What if I don’t have celebrity status or a massive platform?
What should I include, and what should I leave out?
What if my story isn’t interesting/worthy/marketable?
Am I a narcissist if I want to write a memoir?
How does the publishing process even work?
If you’re looking for a bit of direction (or more), please get in touch. I’d love to help you, whether it’s to get started… or unstuck… or to help you wrap your arms around that complicated story you started and tucked into a metaphorical drawer long ago.
Your story is worth telling and sharing, and not just for you. If shared with integrity and compassion, your memoir will have the power to help others, too.
So, what are you waiting for? Let the healing begin.
Christine Wolf is a memoir coach, marathoner, and founder of Writers’ Haven LLC, a cooperative workspace for women writers. Get in touch through her website (www.christinewolf.com) or on Twitter & Instagram (@tinywolf1).
References
Adams, Kathleen. Journal to the Self: Twenty-Two Paths to Personal Growth - Open the door to self-understanding by writing, reading, and creating a journal of your life (Grand Central Publishing)
Cameron, Julia (2011). Artist’s Way (TarcherPerigee Publishing)
Goldberg, Natalie (2016). Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the writer within (Shambhala Press)
Pennebaker, James (1997). Opening Up, Second Edition: The healing power of expressing emotions (The Guilford Press)
Siegel-Acevedo, Deborah (2019). “Writing Can Help Us Heal From Trauma” (Harvard Business Review)
Waxler, Jerry (2013). Memoir Revolution: A social shift that uses your story to heal, connect, and inspire (Neural Coach Press)
Wong, Cecilia C.Y., and Mak, Winnie W. S. (2016). “Writing Can Heal: Effects of self-compassion writing among Hong Kong Chinese college students” (Asian American Journal of Psychology, Vol. 7, No. 1, 74–82)
Note: This newsletter includes affiliate links. If you purchase a book using one of the affiliate links, I earn a small commission which I then use to help fund this newsletter. Thank you!