So glad to find this - thank you, Christine. It validated so much of my experience as I’ve navigated a super painful friend breakup this past year. I did this with our texts and emails almost obsessively, trying to figure out how it all went so wrong, trying to figure out some misstep I must have made that I wasn’t aware of. All of it feels so useless, painful, and ultimately kind of like self harm. Eventually I just deleted all the texts to save myself from the spiral. I still have the emails but they don’t have the same pull for whatever reason. Anyway, thank you for putting words to such a strange and painful experience. It meant a lot to read this. 💙
You’re very welcome. What is WRONG with people?!? You said it perfectly: it DOES sometimes feel useless, painful, and ultimately kind of like self harm. Thanks for articulating the feeling so well.
This post clarified a lot of things for me -- thank you. A decades-long close friendship of mine ended 11 years ago due to a serious conflict. Then 3 years ago the ex-friend published a memoir in which she wrote about our relationship in ways I found demeaning and distorted. I wrote to her to say I felt hurt by her depiction but I was trying to understand; but she never replied. To process my feelings I wrote out a long narrative about our friendship (how we met, all we did and shared together, why we broke up, our ill-fated attempts to reconcile, etc.) which I saved on my computer and only showed to a couple of people. I confess I read and tweaked and edited this 20-plus-page narrative *almost daily for over two years*. It was like the checking/rechecking impulse you refer to, but it went on for such a long time. I just found it so difficult to let go -- not so much to let go of the possibility we'd reconcile (I knew that was impossible and I didn't even really want it), but to let go of the hope that some day I would understand why she did what she did, wrote what she wrote, etc. It was as if I was addicted to trying to figure it out.
Finally this year I was able to write about this situation in a couple of posts here on Substack, and it really helped. I think I was just READY. I finally accepted that I would never fully understand my ex-friend or what she did, and that in a way it was not my job to understand. And I found that I no longer needed to read or tweak the long essay on my computer, so I deleted it. I haven't missed it or had any desire to start over and try to write it all down again. So yes, you are absolutely right. It is possible to find peace without closure. This was very helpful, and I'm grateful you shared your experience for our benefit.
Jeannie, first, I’m sorry that happened. I can hear in your words what kind of lasting pain the (horrible) situation presented.
And, thank you for sharing your experience. I wondered if anyone would relate to my checking behavior. I’m heartened to know it’s more common than I realized.
I appreciate you taking the time to write all that. I know it will help so many to read your words.
Reading your thoughts and words sent me into reflection yesterday. In many ways I am able see how my entire life has essentially been shaped by the countless relationships that have come and gone over the course of 60 years. (family, friendships, work, romance, recovery) The vast majority of it all has not been painful. In fact, most relationships have come and gone in a very natural and peaceful way. And yet, as you describe so well, some "partings" have carried great disappointment, pain, hurt, confusion and anger. I have been both parted from, and the one who has had to do the parting. In the past year, two separate, very different, long-standing friendships in my life have unexpectedly entered into a silent holding pattern. What I know to be true or suspect to be true, is that we are all simply changing. Time is starting to run low for us all. We aren't in our 30's or 40's anymore. Old ideas and the old ways of relating seem to be on the move. And perhaps that's a good thing. Perhaps it's the only way for us to get to the next level.
I have learned recently that I protect myself well and rarely feel hurt by the words or actions of the people on the inner and outer circles of my life. What's hard however, is letting someone know that they have somehow succeeded in finding a way of doing so.
Thank YOU for YOUR words, Doug, and thanks for reading. And thank you for the perspective. "What I know to be true or suspect to be true, is that we are all simply changing." I'll carry that with me.
This was so resonant with me Christine! Thank you for sharing. I have experienced each of those 4 behaviors at various times and have never seen the dots connected with over analysis of texts/written communications. I feel so validated and both chuckling and crying a little—appropriate it would seem. Yes it’s a loss and there’s grieving when our friendships fade with no real discussion. Good on you for giving yourself the space to respond (not react) and then to actually learn from it and share. Many thanks for bringing us long with you.
Christine, you know I feel this with every fibre of my being. ❤️
My friendship breakup was much more explosive than a slow burn or ghosting. And still, I found myself repeatedly checking texts, likely out of a need to feel safe, as you say. But also… I think I was in such a state of shock that someone I thought I knew could treat me the way they had. I’m so glad you’re writing about this. Even now, almost a year and a half after the initial argument—and though ending the friendship was very much my decision—I am still grieving the loss and betrayal. I know you get that, too!
I am sorry for your pain, this sounds really hard.
I've been on the other side of this. I was blindsided by a severe illness that was initially (wrongly) diagnosed as anxiety. When I went from moderate to severe, I had no concept that the changes were not only going to last, but get worse. I thought I just needed to be more positive. Sometimes, I would have some inexplicable good days and enthusiastically try to connect, and by the time people responded, be curled into bed in exhausted agony, too brain fogged to form a text. I did try to keep up with the important things at first, birthdays and milestones.
I didn't understand my condition, I didn't have a proper diagnosis, and it all felt very private to me. I didn't want to burden others with struggles I couldn't explain. I was embarrassed and baffled to admit I was finding it difficult to walk for more than a few minutes. Or track a conversation. I am certain I confused my friends as much as myself.
It took years for me to come "out" as ill and start asking for help. And when I did, it poured in! But I was still too sick to maintain all the relationships. (At a certain point last year, I had to reserve daily texting for my best friend and boyfriend only, and let other connections know I simply couldn't keep up.)
I am also not someone who needs regular, consistent attention from friends (actually kinda thrive on the opposite?) I am very grateful for my friends who barge in with 4 hour calls or hangs and would never think twice about a few months slipping by in between—or in some cases, even a few years. There's no hurt or checking in these friendships; we know when we're together we're intensely together and when we're not, it's okay to focus on our present moment.
AND I feel you—there is someone in my life who keeps making overtures of friendship and running away, and I do find it confusing...but, key, it doesn't hit a nerve for me. In this case, I accept it for what it is, assume her intentions are great and her follow through is inhibited by things I can't see, and hope to connect when and if it works out.
If it hit a nerve, then I'd probably do exactly as you did. It takes a LOT of courage. And on the receiving end of that text, I would have been sad but understood.
Thank you for sharing such an intimate portrait of your struggles. I hope you’re feeling better.
I can relate to some aspects of what you went through, and I’m grateful that you articulated them so clearly and thoughtfully. I admire your self-awareness.
It’s hard to know what the friend I refer to in the piece has (or has not), been going through, and I try never to make assumptions, even when social media profiles suggest someone’s living it up and having a blast. Facades are soften misleading and are often intentionally designed and curated to hide struggles.
What I do know is that I want to curate authentic friendships in which struggles are at least acknowledged. I don’t presume that everyone has the same comfort level about sharing intimate details, but if I, as a friend, don’t know, for instance, that a friend is managing an impossibly difficult work schedule or family situation or mental health challenge, then I struggle in the relationship. I don’t expect someone to change. It’s up to me to stay true to my values and needs. I can’t expect others to be mind readers about what I need. But I’m also not a mind reader.
All to say, I applaud you for eventually being open with friends about what you were dealing with.
For me, mutual vulnerability is key in my friendships. I’ve come to see that there are some people who just aren’t comfortable with that. I’m cool with this now, but it took me some time to figure it out.
Yes, I so agree. When I did make a social appearance (in real life or online) I looked "fine," which couldn't be further from the truth.
Even if someone had point-blank asked me back then what was wrong, I'm not sure I yet had the words (and diagnoses) to explain it well to someone else.
Mutual vulnerability is key. At the point a friend realizes it's "on her", it's probably kindest to offer an attempt at an explanation. Which is what I eventually had to do with everyone.
I agree with you. And, after 10 years of fading out, the “it’s on me” line — followed by no explanation or offer to eventually get together — led me to my decision to step back. My door isn’t closed, but my pursuit (and my quietly obsessive heartbreak) has shifted. I gave myself permission to pull back. In doing so, I no longer feel like I’m chasing someone (or an answer). It’s up to her to step forward (as you clearly did). I found a way to break the checking behavior. The solution was to shift my focus from wondering what she needed and, instead, concentrate on what I need. At first, it felt selfish. But now that I did it, it feels healing. If she comes back around, I’ll greet her from a more grounded, rooted place.
I moved away a few years ago (not by choice, had to move to get a job in my field) and friends have completely faded away. Not once has anyone ever come to visit me, but they’re happy to check in at their convenience if I’m ever in our hometown where I have to travel across an entire state to get to, while they have to drive a measly five minutes. It’s completely one sided and I am simply tired of it. These same friends couldn’t even come to my wedding. I’m so tired of being the one to make so many sacrifices where I have to go literally 98% of the way and they have to barely go 2, and even that’s an issue. No one needs friends like that.
I never thought about it like that, but this checking behavior happens frequently with certain types of friendships. I have a friend I have known for the past 11 years. Despite living in the same city again, we barely see each other. Every time we try to make plans, they somehow, never materialize. He keeps popping back into my life like a part time ghost. And yet, neither of us are letting go cleanly.
Ughhh. I get it. And, it’s so easy to let it just flicker out. Hope keeps us holding on, I think. It’s much more palatable than the idea of the friendship dying a slow death.
thank you Kristine for addressing something that find people don't often talk about. I'm going through a similar experience with someone we will call K. we met a year ago and really found a lot in common… Both writers, both parents of troubled adults, both creative in other ways, both teachers.
At first she would invite me to lunch, we had these great conversations and then lately after a writer's party I threw at my house I have started to learn that I'm not going to hear from her.
I am a 28 year practitioner of Kelee meditation and some of your excellent ideas for dealing with this kind of situation are very close to what we do. Like you said don't run away from the feelings but just touch into them lightly.
But I want to say your post helped me to admit that I need to do those techniques. I've been in some denial… You know the drill, telling myself --well she's really busy and so on.
I really thought we were going to be great friends. I don't know what happened on her part but I don't need to know. I just need to deal with my reactions. Thank you for your post Christine❤️😀
This is good, Christine, with solid advice. Thank you for sharing.
I've actually allowed myself to simply stop responding. Mostly that comes from the courage to delete a few folks from my phone.And I could only do that by realizing that if they finally reached out again, what would I say? Would I honestly feel safe again, want to spend time together again? if not, if I'd always feel resentful or not confident, then I delete. Over the years I have received a few texts that never identify themselves but sound like a friend checking in. They give me pause but since the contact is not in my phone, it's easier to resist the urge to reply and instead just delete.
My sister, however, was another story, and very similar to what you describe here. In 2018 she just stopped talking to me. She would respond to texts but that was about it. It was a huge loss. I couldn't figure it out and she wouldn't acknowledge she was ghosting me. I did a LOT of analyzing and finally, I grieved, really grieved. Later, when there WAS communication, I was kind but I didn't fall into the trap. Until this year when she wanted to come visit and because I thought (think?) her health is declining, I said yes. It was tense from go and finally blew up. But the good thing is that after I emphasized how she had dumped me years ago and never acknowledged this, and how I had grieved for two years and was past it but sure probably still a angry, AND that I no longer let any friend treat me the way she has... she seemed to hear it. She cried (and she never cries). She committed to being better. And she has been. Sure, I'm still a bit cautious. But I am also allowing myself hope.
Family is sometimes the hardest because they're family. What helped me was working through the same things with friends, similar to the techniques you share here, and then applying that to my sister.
Glad you were able to reach some peace and reply accordingly.
Wow! Thank you for sharing all that, Jan. Longstanding relationships - especially with family — feel especially risky with this dynamic, maybe because the loss/grief potential feels that much higher. I love how you were able to keep the door open for your sister despite past hurt. The self-awareness you had was just…wow.
I’ve never deleted contacts before, but I’ve learned to block toxic people. Though it hurt my heart to do it, I eventually felt a massive relief.
So glad to find this - thank you, Christine. It validated so much of my experience as I’ve navigated a super painful friend breakup this past year. I did this with our texts and emails almost obsessively, trying to figure out how it all went so wrong, trying to figure out some misstep I must have made that I wasn’t aware of. All of it feels so useless, painful, and ultimately kind of like self harm. Eventually I just deleted all the texts to save myself from the spiral. I still have the emails but they don’t have the same pull for whatever reason. Anyway, thank you for putting words to such a strange and painful experience. It meant a lot to read this. 💙
You’re very welcome. What is WRONG with people?!? You said it perfectly: it DOES sometimes feel useless, painful, and ultimately kind of like self harm. Thanks for articulating the feeling so well.
This post clarified a lot of things for me -- thank you. A decades-long close friendship of mine ended 11 years ago due to a serious conflict. Then 3 years ago the ex-friend published a memoir in which she wrote about our relationship in ways I found demeaning and distorted. I wrote to her to say I felt hurt by her depiction but I was trying to understand; but she never replied. To process my feelings I wrote out a long narrative about our friendship (how we met, all we did and shared together, why we broke up, our ill-fated attempts to reconcile, etc.) which I saved on my computer and only showed to a couple of people. I confess I read and tweaked and edited this 20-plus-page narrative *almost daily for over two years*. It was like the checking/rechecking impulse you refer to, but it went on for such a long time. I just found it so difficult to let go -- not so much to let go of the possibility we'd reconcile (I knew that was impossible and I didn't even really want it), but to let go of the hope that some day I would understand why she did what she did, wrote what she wrote, etc. It was as if I was addicted to trying to figure it out.
Finally this year I was able to write about this situation in a couple of posts here on Substack, and it really helped. I think I was just READY. I finally accepted that I would never fully understand my ex-friend or what she did, and that in a way it was not my job to understand. And I found that I no longer needed to read or tweak the long essay on my computer, so I deleted it. I haven't missed it or had any desire to start over and try to write it all down again. So yes, you are absolutely right. It is possible to find peace without closure. This was very helpful, and I'm grateful you shared your experience for our benefit.
Jeannie, first, I’m sorry that happened. I can hear in your words what kind of lasting pain the (horrible) situation presented.
And, thank you for sharing your experience. I wondered if anyone would relate to my checking behavior. I’m heartened to know it’s more common than I realized.
I appreciate you taking the time to write all that. I know it will help so many to read your words.
Thank you, Christine.
Reading your thoughts and words sent me into reflection yesterday. In many ways I am able see how my entire life has essentially been shaped by the countless relationships that have come and gone over the course of 60 years. (family, friendships, work, romance, recovery) The vast majority of it all has not been painful. In fact, most relationships have come and gone in a very natural and peaceful way. And yet, as you describe so well, some "partings" have carried great disappointment, pain, hurt, confusion and anger. I have been both parted from, and the one who has had to do the parting. In the past year, two separate, very different, long-standing friendships in my life have unexpectedly entered into a silent holding pattern. What I know to be true or suspect to be true, is that we are all simply changing. Time is starting to run low for us all. We aren't in our 30's or 40's anymore. Old ideas and the old ways of relating seem to be on the move. And perhaps that's a good thing. Perhaps it's the only way for us to get to the next level.
I have learned recently that I protect myself well and rarely feel hurt by the words or actions of the people on the inner and outer circles of my life. What's hard however, is letting someone know that they have somehow succeeded in finding a way of doing so.
Thank you again for your words
Thank YOU for YOUR words, Doug, and thanks for reading. And thank you for the perspective. "What I know to be true or suspect to be true, is that we are all simply changing." I'll carry that with me.
Loved this article Christine! I have been through a similar experience and you so eloquently addressed the complex feelings that come with it
Sorry you know the feeling. I’m realizing how common it is to see friendships fade…and how little we talk about it. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Oh Christine. I needed this so badly right now and I’m so grateful for your words. ❤️
This was so resonant with me Christine! Thank you for sharing. I have experienced each of those 4 behaviors at various times and have never seen the dots connected with over analysis of texts/written communications. I feel so validated and both chuckling and crying a little—appropriate it would seem. Yes it’s a loss and there’s grieving when our friendships fade with no real discussion. Good on you for giving yourself the space to respond (not react) and then to actually learn from it and share. Many thanks for bringing us long with you.
Christine, you know I feel this with every fibre of my being. ❤️
My friendship breakup was much more explosive than a slow burn or ghosting. And still, I found myself repeatedly checking texts, likely out of a need to feel safe, as you say. But also… I think I was in such a state of shock that someone I thought I knew could treat me the way they had. I’m so glad you’re writing about this. Even now, almost a year and a half after the initial argument—and though ending the friendship was very much my decision—I am still grieving the loss and betrayal. I know you get that, too!
Love you lots xx
Love you, too! As for how you handled your circumstances, have, and will always have, my deep admiration.
Thank you! 🙏🧡
I am sorry for your pain, this sounds really hard.
I've been on the other side of this. I was blindsided by a severe illness that was initially (wrongly) diagnosed as anxiety. When I went from moderate to severe, I had no concept that the changes were not only going to last, but get worse. I thought I just needed to be more positive. Sometimes, I would have some inexplicable good days and enthusiastically try to connect, and by the time people responded, be curled into bed in exhausted agony, too brain fogged to form a text. I did try to keep up with the important things at first, birthdays and milestones.
I didn't understand my condition, I didn't have a proper diagnosis, and it all felt very private to me. I didn't want to burden others with struggles I couldn't explain. I was embarrassed and baffled to admit I was finding it difficult to walk for more than a few minutes. Or track a conversation. I am certain I confused my friends as much as myself.
It took years for me to come "out" as ill and start asking for help. And when I did, it poured in! But I was still too sick to maintain all the relationships. (At a certain point last year, I had to reserve daily texting for my best friend and boyfriend only, and let other connections know I simply couldn't keep up.)
I am also not someone who needs regular, consistent attention from friends (actually kinda thrive on the opposite?) I am very grateful for my friends who barge in with 4 hour calls or hangs and would never think twice about a few months slipping by in between—or in some cases, even a few years. There's no hurt or checking in these friendships; we know when we're together we're intensely together and when we're not, it's okay to focus on our present moment.
AND I feel you—there is someone in my life who keeps making overtures of friendship and running away, and I do find it confusing...but, key, it doesn't hit a nerve for me. In this case, I accept it for what it is, assume her intentions are great and her follow through is inhibited by things I can't see, and hope to connect when and if it works out.
If it hit a nerve, then I'd probably do exactly as you did. It takes a LOT of courage. And on the receiving end of that text, I would have been sad but understood.
Thank you for sharing such an intimate portrait of your struggles. I hope you’re feeling better.
I can relate to some aspects of what you went through, and I’m grateful that you articulated them so clearly and thoughtfully. I admire your self-awareness.
It’s hard to know what the friend I refer to in the piece has (or has not), been going through, and I try never to make assumptions, even when social media profiles suggest someone’s living it up and having a blast. Facades are soften misleading and are often intentionally designed and curated to hide struggles.
What I do know is that I want to curate authentic friendships in which struggles are at least acknowledged. I don’t presume that everyone has the same comfort level about sharing intimate details, but if I, as a friend, don’t know, for instance, that a friend is managing an impossibly difficult work schedule or family situation or mental health challenge, then I struggle in the relationship. I don’t expect someone to change. It’s up to me to stay true to my values and needs. I can’t expect others to be mind readers about what I need. But I’m also not a mind reader.
All to say, I applaud you for eventually being open with friends about what you were dealing with.
For me, mutual vulnerability is key in my friendships. I’ve come to see that there are some people who just aren’t comfortable with that. I’m cool with this now, but it took me some time to figure it out.
Yes, I so agree. When I did make a social appearance (in real life or online) I looked "fine," which couldn't be further from the truth.
Even if someone had point-blank asked me back then what was wrong, I'm not sure I yet had the words (and diagnoses) to explain it well to someone else.
Mutual vulnerability is key. At the point a friend realizes it's "on her", it's probably kindest to offer an attempt at an explanation. Which is what I eventually had to do with everyone.
I agree with you. And, after 10 years of fading out, the “it’s on me” line — followed by no explanation or offer to eventually get together — led me to my decision to step back. My door isn’t closed, but my pursuit (and my quietly obsessive heartbreak) has shifted. I gave myself permission to pull back. In doing so, I no longer feel like I’m chasing someone (or an answer). It’s up to her to step forward (as you clearly did). I found a way to break the checking behavior. The solution was to shift my focus from wondering what she needed and, instead, concentrate on what I need. At first, it felt selfish. But now that I did it, it feels healing. If she comes back around, I’ll greet her from a more grounded, rooted place.
That makes so much sense. I’m sorry you were so hurt in this; I’m certain it had very little to do with you. You drew the boundaries you needed to.
I moved away a few years ago (not by choice, had to move to get a job in my field) and friends have completely faded away. Not once has anyone ever come to visit me, but they’re happy to check in at their convenience if I’m ever in our hometown where I have to travel across an entire state to get to, while they have to drive a measly five minutes. It’s completely one sided and I am simply tired of it. These same friends couldn’t even come to my wedding. I’m so tired of being the one to make so many sacrifices where I have to go literally 98% of the way and they have to barely go 2, and even that’s an issue. No one needs friends like that.
Well that sounds SHITTY. And CONGRATS on knowing your worth. Letting go of the crumb-givers makes space for the decent folks.
I never thought about it like that, but this checking behavior happens frequently with certain types of friendships. I have a friend I have known for the past 11 years. Despite living in the same city again, we barely see each other. Every time we try to make plans, they somehow, never materialize. He keeps popping back into my life like a part time ghost. And yet, neither of us are letting go cleanly.
Ughhh. I get it. And, it’s so easy to let it just flicker out. Hope keeps us holding on, I think. It’s much more palatable than the idea of the friendship dying a slow death.
thank you Kristine for addressing something that find people don't often talk about. I'm going through a similar experience with someone we will call K. we met a year ago and really found a lot in common… Both writers, both parents of troubled adults, both creative in other ways, both teachers.
At first she would invite me to lunch, we had these great conversations and then lately after a writer's party I threw at my house I have started to learn that I'm not going to hear from her.
I am a 28 year practitioner of Kelee meditation and some of your excellent ideas for dealing with this kind of situation are very close to what we do. Like you said don't run away from the feelings but just touch into them lightly.
But I want to say your post helped me to admit that I need to do those techniques. I've been in some denial… You know the drill, telling myself --well she's really busy and so on.
I really thought we were going to be great friends. I don't know what happened on her part but I don't need to know. I just need to deal with my reactions. Thank you for your post Christine❤️😀
I’m sorry you went through this … and I’m happy the piece helped you. Most of all, I’m glad you’re moving on and making room for new friends!
"Giving Sadness a Character" - love this, and resonates with some of the Internal Family Systems (parts) therapy I've found to be super helpful.
I’d like to try setting a timer when I’m in a spiral
That’s such a good idea. I often wish after the fact that I had the presence of mind to do that…
This is good, Christine, with solid advice. Thank you for sharing.
I've actually allowed myself to simply stop responding. Mostly that comes from the courage to delete a few folks from my phone.And I could only do that by realizing that if they finally reached out again, what would I say? Would I honestly feel safe again, want to spend time together again? if not, if I'd always feel resentful or not confident, then I delete. Over the years I have received a few texts that never identify themselves but sound like a friend checking in. They give me pause but since the contact is not in my phone, it's easier to resist the urge to reply and instead just delete.
My sister, however, was another story, and very similar to what you describe here. In 2018 she just stopped talking to me. She would respond to texts but that was about it. It was a huge loss. I couldn't figure it out and she wouldn't acknowledge she was ghosting me. I did a LOT of analyzing and finally, I grieved, really grieved. Later, when there WAS communication, I was kind but I didn't fall into the trap. Until this year when she wanted to come visit and because I thought (think?) her health is declining, I said yes. It was tense from go and finally blew up. But the good thing is that after I emphasized how she had dumped me years ago and never acknowledged this, and how I had grieved for two years and was past it but sure probably still a angry, AND that I no longer let any friend treat me the way she has... she seemed to hear it. She cried (and she never cries). She committed to being better. And she has been. Sure, I'm still a bit cautious. But I am also allowing myself hope.
Family is sometimes the hardest because they're family. What helped me was working through the same things with friends, similar to the techniques you share here, and then applying that to my sister.
Glad you were able to reach some peace and reply accordingly.
Wow! Thank you for sharing all that, Jan. Longstanding relationships - especially with family — feel especially risky with this dynamic, maybe because the loss/grief potential feels that much higher. I love how you were able to keep the door open for your sister despite past hurt. The self-awareness you had was just…wow.
I’ve never deleted contacts before, but I’ve learned to block toxic people. Though it hurt my heart to do it, I eventually felt a massive relief.
Thank you for sharing, Jan.
Shaking, too powerful to comment upon.
This podcast on the subject is AMAZING: https://open.spotify.com/episode/42DH99QqF3N4ZF598XyRko?si=qIyK6P1VQk--ywHG6b7Vcw