I know phone calls should be better, but as a person who has always been highly sensitive, an introvert, and, for the better part of my life, struggling with chronic health issues, phone calls just demand too much energy. I make them occasionally to people I really want to stay in touch with, but I have to really plan for them, clearing out my schedule and reserving energy. Even then, if I'm having a bad day, I'll cancel. It's frustrating and isolating, but it is what it is. I'm thankful for the digital option, otherwise the isolation would be much worse.
Fabulous inquiry Christine. And the research you conducted and shared is compelling! I prefer zoom or in person. Texts are good for efficiency or fun (my family has a Warner Palooza text chain that is full of sweetness and hilarity and keeps us all connected). But I’ll admit, phone calls are not my fav. Partially because living rural we get a lot of dropped calls, but also because I’m really audio/visual with a preference for visual; only audio and I can get anxious and sometimes a bit scattered.
LOVE the Warner Palooza text chain! I'm so inspired by that! Thanks for sharing your excellent reasons to favor Zoom/in-person. When I started this inquiry, I was feeling very biased toward old fashioned calls (and guilty that I'm such a heavy digital communicator), but all the amazing comments about why ppl prefer alternatives to phone calls just MAKE PERFECT SENSE. I'm only 57, but I was born way back in the 1900s when all we had were phones. I think I'm still learning to let go of my guilt about adapting to the times! xo
I don't know if it's because of early training in journalism or simply because I'm old or what, but I do not find making phone calls awkward and I confess I'm sort of befuddled by those who do, at least if they're of my generation. I talk to my mother on the phone regularly, and my sisters, and have those regular "catch up" calls with old friends who live far away. I'm more likely to text the friends who live nearby, but that's because I know I can hear their voices when I see them next. And sometimes we talk on the phone anyway! I also, like the commenter above (below?) saved all of my father's voice mails from the months when he was dying. I actually can't listen to them but someday I will.
I love this conversation. I’m a big fan of the long overdue catch-up call with a great friend. And I call my mom a few times per week. I do all the dialing to my sisters, and they pick up. A favorite cousin used to reciprocate; now I’m the one who initiates… I wonder why, but our calls are still pleasant, if less frequent. A guy I met recently kept insisting on phone calls over texts—he was a successful software engineer, now retired, wants to be as analog as possible. I find it charming. (I’m not attracted to him physically, and I let him know I only want to remain platonic, and he still asks me to call. He never dials me. I call him about once a week, and have a nice chat about carpentry and such.) My kids text me from downstairs. We also try to walk and talk regularly. 💕 I’ve tried phoning their father three times in the past three months to update him on the children’s milestones, but he ignores me. He doesn’t know the milestones; I feel they’re best discussed in real-time. He’s afraid I’ll ask for child support. I do want to ask him what his address is. 😕 I enjoy voice. I read an essay about someone who listened to her mom’s voicemails after she died…. So, I’ve saved all my mom’s voicemails! I believe voice stimulates oxytocin, and oxytocin builds social/emotional bonds.
Wow, Michelle. Thank you for sharing so much insight. Studies prove your theory right here about oxytocin. I’m sorry you lost your mom, and I’m glad you hear you saved those voicemails. I’ve done the same, even though my mom is still alive.
Oh, my apologies. I clearly read your reply too fast! And yes, let's absolutely talk about anticipatory grief. I should definitely write a post about it. I know the feeling very well and teach about it in my workshops. It's always a game changer when people put a name to it.
Much like “CPTSD,” the first time I learned the phrase “anticipatory grief” (which happened to be while my father was transitioning to hospice), I thought, “mind = blown.” In a flash, a subset of my experience was validated. Yes, I’ll look forward to that post!
Well said! I love how you phrased it, Sharon. I completely agree. I think so much of this actually comes down to distress tolerance — something our immediate-gratification-society is losing by the hour.
I’m late to the party here, but great post! … I totally understand using email in professional situations so you have a paper trail, but the idea that texts are more efficient in personal situations just doesn’t fly.
I agree with Cali, calls are almost always quicker and less complicated especially for things like making plans. I think deep down the resistance to calling is all about feeling anxious and awkward. period.
And I get it, I feel anxious about calling too. It can feel like rejection when people don’t pick up, even if it’s not. And leave a message? No way! All those movie scenes with people leaving unfortunate voicemails have us all terrified.
I am trying to make myself call people more, but it’s tough!
I'm old school. I prefer phone calls. They can be more efficient than going backwards and forwards with messages. And better to speak directly to avoid misinterpretation. With helplines I much prefer to speak to a person than negotiate the AI chatbox which never seems to be able to answer my question.
The responses you got on Threads are depressing. Are people not capable of talking to each other any more?
I know phone calls should be better, but as a person who has always been highly sensitive, an introvert, and, for the better part of my life, struggling with chronic health issues, phone calls just demand too much energy. I make them occasionally to people I really want to stay in touch with, but I have to really plan for them, clearing out my schedule and reserving energy. Even then, if I'm having a bad day, I'll cancel. It's frustrating and isolating, but it is what it is. I'm thankful for the digital option, otherwise the isolation would be much worse.
Fabulous inquiry Christine. And the research you conducted and shared is compelling! I prefer zoom or in person. Texts are good for efficiency or fun (my family has a Warner Palooza text chain that is full of sweetness and hilarity and keeps us all connected). But I’ll admit, phone calls are not my fav. Partially because living rural we get a lot of dropped calls, but also because I’m really audio/visual with a preference for visual; only audio and I can get anxious and sometimes a bit scattered.
LOVE the Warner Palooza text chain! I'm so inspired by that! Thanks for sharing your excellent reasons to favor Zoom/in-person. When I started this inquiry, I was feeling very biased toward old fashioned calls (and guilty that I'm such a heavy digital communicator), but all the amazing comments about why ppl prefer alternatives to phone calls just MAKE PERFECT SENSE. I'm only 57, but I was born way back in the 1900s when all we had were phones. I think I'm still learning to let go of my guilt about adapting to the times! xo
I don't know if it's because of early training in journalism or simply because I'm old or what, but I do not find making phone calls awkward and I confess I'm sort of befuddled by those who do, at least if they're of my generation. I talk to my mother on the phone regularly, and my sisters, and have those regular "catch up" calls with old friends who live far away. I'm more likely to text the friends who live nearby, but that's because I know I can hear their voices when I see them next. And sometimes we talk on the phone anyway! I also, like the commenter above (below?) saved all of my father's voice mails from the months when he was dying. I actually can't listen to them but someday I will.
Early training in journalism, too! I was also a child of divorce (so we HAD to call our mom/dad if we were at the other parent’s house).
I love this conversation. I’m a big fan of the long overdue catch-up call with a great friend. And I call my mom a few times per week. I do all the dialing to my sisters, and they pick up. A favorite cousin used to reciprocate; now I’m the one who initiates… I wonder why, but our calls are still pleasant, if less frequent. A guy I met recently kept insisting on phone calls over texts—he was a successful software engineer, now retired, wants to be as analog as possible. I find it charming. (I’m not attracted to him physically, and I let him know I only want to remain platonic, and he still asks me to call. He never dials me. I call him about once a week, and have a nice chat about carpentry and such.) My kids text me from downstairs. We also try to walk and talk regularly. 💕 I’ve tried phoning their father three times in the past three months to update him on the children’s milestones, but he ignores me. He doesn’t know the milestones; I feel they’re best discussed in real-time. He’s afraid I’ll ask for child support. I do want to ask him what his address is. 😕 I enjoy voice. I read an essay about someone who listened to her mom’s voicemails after she died…. So, I’ve saved all my mom’s voicemails! I believe voice stimulates oxytocin, and oxytocin builds social/emotional bonds.
Wow, Michelle. Thank you for sharing so much insight. Studies prove your theory right here about oxytocin. I’m sorry you lost your mom, and I’m glad you hear you saved those voicemails. I’ve done the same, even though my mom is still alive.
To be clear, my mom’s still alive. Next we can talk about anticipatory grief.
Oh, my apologies. I clearly read your reply too fast! And yes, let's absolutely talk about anticipatory grief. I should definitely write a post about it. I know the feeling very well and teach about it in my workshops. It's always a game changer when people put a name to it.
Much like “CPTSD,” the first time I learned the phrase “anticipatory grief” (which happened to be while my father was transitioning to hospice), I thought, “mind = blown.” In a flash, a subset of my experience was validated. Yes, I’ll look forward to that post!
Great article. I think feeling the risk and awkwardness of phone calls and making them any way is a practice and a skill that's beyond worth it.
Well said! I love how you phrased it, Sharon. I completely agree. I think so much of this actually comes down to distress tolerance — something our immediate-gratification-society is losing by the hour.
Here is the ultimate phone call challenge an author I know engaged in as needed: https://conspirecreative.substack.com/p/the-30-day-challenge-that-will-kickstart
I’m late to the party here, but great post! … I totally understand using email in professional situations so you have a paper trail, but the idea that texts are more efficient in personal situations just doesn’t fly.
I agree with Cali, calls are almost always quicker and less complicated especially for things like making plans. I think deep down the resistance to calling is all about feeling anxious and awkward. period.
And I get it, I feel anxious about calling too. It can feel like rejection when people don’t pick up, even if it’s not. And leave a message? No way! All those movie scenes with people leaving unfortunate voicemails have us all terrified.
I am trying to make myself call people more, but it’s tough!
I'm old school. I prefer phone calls. They can be more efficient than going backwards and forwards with messages. And better to speak directly to avoid misinterpretation. With helplines I much prefer to speak to a person than negotiate the AI chatbox which never seems to be able to answer my question.
The responses you got on Threads are depressing. Are people not capable of talking to each other any more?
I’m 100% with you.
And…I owe YOU a call!!! ;)
I’m waiting for you ;)